“Putting the ‘fifteen’ in the freshman fifteen,” CEO says
NEW TRIER HIGH SCHOOL–New Trier has announced its intent to partner with Auntie Anne’s Pretzel Company, in a statement released Monday morning.
“We are so excited to work with the fabulous people at Auntie Anne’s to help ensure that our students are able to get the highest-quality education and carbohydrates. We know that this partnership will benefit all of our students, as well as creating the next generation of business titans and pretzel aficionados.”
Starting in September, New Trier Township High School will be renamed Auntie Anne’s Academy for Pretzel Making at New Trier Township, or AAAFPMANTT for short. The “Porta Nigra” logo will become “Pretzel Nigra”, with two intertwined pretzels representing the greatness and resilience of the New Trier Student Body. Additionally, the school motto will be changed to “To commit minds to inquiry, hearts to compassion, and lives to serving humanity with Auntie Anne’s pretzel bites, now only 5.99 per cup.”
The student body has reacted vocally to the news. “I think that it will be….interesting,” said student Georgia O’Kahlo, who spends most of her time in art class. “I mean, yesterday in pottery class, a corporate representative came in, confiscated our clay and replaced it with pretzel dough. When I went to get my mug from the kiln, they told me that from now on, that was the ‘pretzel chamber’, and that we were going to be having a contest. Whoever makes the most pretzels by the end of the year gets a coupon for 50% off frozen lemonade. Was I looking forward to giving that mug to my mom for her birthday? Sure, but….she likes frozen lemonade too, so I guess I’ll get to work.”
Also debuting next year is the Culinary and Chemistry Arts class, which will fulfill both the physical science and fine arts requirements. In it, students will spend their time trying to create the best, most delicious pretzel recipes from Auntie Anne’s, using only the best and freshest highly addictive chemicals to manipulate the minds of consumers. Posters of the periodic table have been replaced with giant 100-point font posters reading “MORE ADDICTIVE THAN METHAMPHETAMINE”, a reminder to the students for how irresistible they need to make their recipes.
The English department has been by far the most enthusiastic about the merger. Department chair L. Itreader has announced plans for a “Pretzels in Literature” curriculum, designed to give students “both the skills they need to excel in AP exams and an appreciation for all the vital literary contributions that pretzels have given us over the years.” Essay prompts will include such thought-provoking questions as “Do you think that Holden Caulfield would have gotten beaten up by a pimp if he’d had a delicious Auntie Anne’s pretzel dog to appease him with?”
“The English department is, frankly, so excited and so, so desperate to make this work,” said L. Itreader when reached for comment. “We’re always looking for new and innovative ways to interpret the classics. So now, Page to Stage will feature Romeo and Juliet reconciling their families through the sheer power and deliciousness of Auntie Anne’s cinnamon sugar pretzels. Macbeth’s going to stab Duncan with a pretzel stick. That’s how Shakespeare originally wrote it, you know.”
At press time, the Near True News has started offering a satire-for-pretzel dogs contest. Write great satire about how terrible Snyder’s of Hanover is and you’ll get two pretzel dogs for free.