Fans will be able to attend home games without fear of getting stabbed
85% of players have yet to try Chicago deli sandwiches named after them
Just competitive enough to ward off fears of Frank Thomas’ zombie
Influx of talented young players provides fans the opportunity to finally replace their mothball-ridden Greg Maddux original.
Most of roster can name at least five of organization’s current farm system players (probably)
Most exciting season to date for millennial Cub fans who started following the team in 2014
Front office whiz Theo Epstein, the first Cubs executive to employ the radical theory of drafting talented players in an effort to win
Capable of turning routine double plays into slightly more difficult routine double
Will continue to attempt to legitimize Iowa as a state through Triple A team
Wrigley Field construction not scheduled for completion until 2057
Don’t hit home runs, sometimes
Classy professionalism of management making it hard for Bulls organization to identify with them
Bartman still lurks in the woodwork, waiting to strike again
Advice to fans:
Get ready for another 108 years!