ARIES (March 21-April 19)
Sometimes, courage in the face of extreme improbability of success is stupidity. Please, calm down.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
Beware of that which proclaims you can “work from home, set your own hours, and be your own boss”!
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
You will desecrate a nondenominational house of worship.
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
Your favorite class will focus solely on its worst aspect.
LEO (July 23-August 22)
It could be cloudy. No promises.
VIRGO (August 23-September 22)
Your teachers all hate you now (you might not notice any difference in their behavior).
LIBRA (September 23-October 22)
You will get an A in every class! (For effort, points-wise, nothing’s changed.)
SCORPIO (October 23-November 21)
You will write “to-do list” at the top of a to-do list and then mistake it for part of the to-do list and make another to-do list. A vicious cycle ensues.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22-December 21)
You will be appointed as global ambassador for the horse people.
CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19)
Your soulmate takes selfies with an iPad.
AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18)
You will become the world’s leading activist against Dihydrogen Monoxide.
PISCES (February 19-March 20)
Your soulmate has 24 other soulmates and you’ll need to compete for his attention on Monday evenings at 8/7 Central.