• School bell replaced with Bavarian yodeler
  • Economic inflation sadly not factoring into GPA inflation
  • New Trier cuts costs by crowdsourcing student knowledge instead of using teachers
  • APUSH students demand change to Americentric curriculum
  • Noun adverbally verbs whilst verbing a noun.
  • Near True News social media consultant faces backlash over TikTok thirst trap on official account
  • New Trier lowers stress by no longer asking about it

2020-2021 Staff

Avery S

Avery S

Avery is not the first mutant to attend New Trier, but she is the first one who gets nauseous at the sight of chalkboards. In her free time she attempts to be Spider-Man while trying to overcome her fear of spiders. She is fam...

Annie v

Annie v

Author of the smash hit Buzzfeed article "tell us your social security number and we'll tell you what mistake you're making with bacon", brief tenant of the Motel 6 in Rutland, Vermont, Annie now comes to you from Winnetka a la...

Caleb S

Caleb S

More than just a paper enthusiast and wanted criminal in one country (Luxembourg), Caleb is a rampant lamp collector with a vendetta against lampshades. Casually fancy and outrageously reserved, nothing can escape his gravity well of thought...

Eli T, Co-Editor

Eli T, Co-Editor

Eli graduated from the Omega One school of Fish Flakes in 1843 with a speciality in tropical freshwater food. He's won the "most medium sized pumpkin" competition at the Kentucky state fair in 1903. Fun fact: he's an immortal...

Brian Greenlees

Brian is a human person.

Maggie von Dohlen

Hi! My name is Maggie. I am the editor-in-chief of the Near True News this year. I'm a senior and will be passing the torch to someone else next year, so I'll do what I can to bring the club to the ground this year. Don't touch...

Teddy Morgan

Teddy Morgan

I call this outfit “Gamer Formal”

Near True News Staff

The Near True News Staff is an autonomous collective dedicated to researching, composing, and communicating the hard-hitting stories that impact students of New Trier.  All articles, lists, opinions, critiques, reviews, observations,...

Cara Siebert

Cara has a THAC0 of 5.

Sofia Russick

Sofia Russick is extremely cheerful and pays attention very well!

Activate Search
The Satirical Student Newspaper of New Trier
Staff