• School bell replaced with Bavarian yodeler
  • Economic inflation sadly not factoring into GPA inflation
  • New Trier cuts costs by crowdsourcing student knowledge instead of using teachers
  • APUSH students demand change to Americentric curriculum
  • Noun adverbally verbs whilst verbing a noun.
  • Near True News social media consultant faces backlash over TikTok thirst trap on official account
  • New Trier lowers stress by no longer asking about it

2021-2022 Staff

Eli T, Co-Editor
fish food taste tester, occasional writer

Eli T, Co-Editor

Eli graduated from the Omega One school of Fish Flakes in 1843 with a speciality in tropical freshwater food. He's won the "most medium sized pumpkin" competition at the Kentucky state fair in 1903. Fun fact: he's an immortal...

Nicolle B, Co-Editor
wicked witch

Nicolle B, Co-Editor

Coven leader and reviled spinster, Nicolle is instantly recognizable by the dark shadow she casts in any room she walks into. When not cursing youthful protagonists or concocting hallucinogenic brews, she can be found babysit...

Caleb S
Sock puppet critic, anthill cartographer

Caleb S

More than just a paper enthusiast and wanted criminal in one country (Luxembourg), Caleb is a rampant lamp collector with a vendetta against lampshades. Casually fancy and outrageously reserved, nothing can escape his gravity well of thought...

Avery S
Professional obsessor and critic of amateur (i.e. all) fanfiction

Avery S

Avery is not the first mutant to attend New Trier, but she is the first one who gets nauseous at the sight of chalkboards. In her free time she attempts to be Spider-Man while trying to overcome her fear of spiders. She is fam...

Riley K
pogo stick, unhinged door

Riley K

Riley is a timid, ineffectual student who cannot make even the slightest effort to compose a staff profile or contribute a picture, and thus, here we are.

Ben S
Walking Contradiction, wins arguments by yelling the loudest

Ben S

Ben doesn’t think that being random makes things funny, but he does that anyway because actual humor is hard and memes are hip now. He is a major political advocate, but he changes where on the spectrum he lies every day. Ben...

George M
Living human person, adds the word funny to the beginning of nouns sometimes.

George M

George is bad at everything he does, but some people don’t seem to understand so he says he’s humble and just goes with it. He eats two loaves of bread every Saturday and he understands that life is short and meaningless, ...

Max P
Unpredictable and tootsie-roll

Max P

Max is cool, chill and he’s smokin’ hot. He’s a classy cosmopolitan who was once strangled to death with a life jacket.

Anwyn L
SoundCloud rap album critic

Anwyn L

Anwyn, elusive member of society and author of several critically-acclaimed nonfiction novels “Testing Every Single Crayola Marker Color” and “Dented Water Bottles: An Overlook”, possibly lives in your mom’s house wit...

Abby P
Writer, Gourmet heirloom couch potato, north suburban flaneur

Abby P

Abby is a professional procrastinator who can dodge any assignment thrown at her. She has recently become the coach of an Olympic goldfish training team which practices on the weekends in Bali. After graduating from the only ...

Shirley
girlbossin wasp, the shirest of the shropshires

Shirley

Shirley is very irresponsible; she can be found at any given moment running away from her problems or sleeping. On occasion when she is not doing either, she draws what some claim to be “grotesque Pinocchios” in addition to...

Said A
Computer key presser, runner when he has to be

Said A

To be unique, Said enjoys short sprints at the park instead of long walks on the beach. Said spends his free time sneaking into monkey exhibits at zoos overnight to find out if a monkey truly can write a Shakespearean play on...

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The Satirical Student Newspaper of New Trier
Staff