• Scrounge chairs auctioned off for $650,000,000
  • Tap dancing flash mob tramples students; Advisery discussions ensue
  • Oil discovered on New Gym excavation site; land sold to ExxonMobil
  • Record-low commencement attendance as seniors PX from graduation
Abby P

Abby P, Writer, Gourmet heirloom couch potato, north suburban flaneur

Abby is a professional procrastinator who can dodge any assignment thrown at her. She has recently become the coach of an Olympic goldfish training team which practices on the weekends in Bali. After graduating from the only university in Antarctica, Abby realized that she doesn’t like ice and is now pursuing a career in tropical gardening. In her free time, she can be found watching the daily farm report broadcast live from downstate Illinois or listening to Tuvan Throat Singing on Spotify. A seminal hostess and life of the party, Abby loves to have her friends over for Spam, sardines, and rum raisin ice cream sundaes while taking apart her home appliances to see how they work.

All content by Abby
Load More Stories
Activate Search
The Satirical Student Newspaper of New Trier