ARIES (March 21-April 19)

You will be hit in the head by a flying industrial sized bowl of queso while you close your eyes to make your daily 11:11 wish.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20)

You will put the “pro” in “procrastination.”

GEMINI (May 21-June 20)

You gaze upon the pools of blood and broken glass that coat the floor of the scrounge. Those Famous Amos will not tempt you again today.

CANCER (June 21-July 22)

This time will be different than your 51 previous attempts: you will not be disappointed by the cafeteria stir fry!

LEO (July 23-August 22)

You will find your school day filled with uncontrollable urges to steal Bean Team cookies, but you may encounter many difficulties (your legs have disappeared).

VIRGO (August 23-September 22)

You will find yourself in your eternal hell: not being in control of everyone around you. 

LIBRA (September 23-October 22)

Someone in English class will growl at you.

SCORPIO (October 23-November 21)

You will realize with horror that you have been pronouncing “chaos” wrong this whole time.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22-December 21)

You will find yourself haunted by a vegan Tasmanian devil named Normand.

CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19)

Peril! Doom! Terror! Seek your local weeaboo for advice.

AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18)

Find fulfillment by responding “You too” to the security guards when they wish you a good day.

PISCES (February 19-March 20)

You will find yourself disappointed after being told that you must mash your own mango smoothie, as the blender broke in the middle of the night.