• 94-Years-Young Substitute Teacher Tunes to HDMI-3 on First Try!
  • Volcano Erupts Beneath School; Administrators Recommend Leaving Home Earlier
  • Lincoln’s Final Letters Reveal Wishes for Big Big Big Chair
  • Scientists Terrified to Discover Astrology Fake
  • Honesty No Longer Best Policy
  • Cooking Classes Will No Longer Be Taught By Eminem’s Mom
  • Women’s Construction Club Breaks Glass Ceiling in Major Sledgehammer Accident

2023-2024 Staff

Max P
Unpredictable and tootsie-roll

Max P

Max’s accolades include: winner of the 2019 Wriders Guild Award, winner of the Stanley Cup, The Regional Biannual Ping Pong Championship semifinalist, participant in second-grade Little League Baseball tournament (green team),...

Abby P
Writer, Gourmet heirloom couch potato, north suburban flaneur

Abby P

Abby is a professional procrastinator who can dodge any assignment thrown at her. She has recently become the coach of an Olympic goldfish training team which practices on the weekends in Bali. After graduating from the only university...

Nick S

Nick S

Nick is a small green man from Mars, but he won’t admit it because the government paid him off. Crucial in faking the moon landing, Nick possesses many important skills, but a basic understanding of object permanence is sadly n...

Elizabeth C

Elizabeth C

Snarky and poorly-coordinated, Elizabeth enjoys intense bingo tournaments and less-than-optimal reality TV marathons.

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The Satirical Student Newspaper of New Trier
Staff