• “Devious Licks” peaks with students stealing any respect the school administrators had for them
  • Student feels more stressed after wasting time meditating to reduce stress
  • Administrator assigned to observe whether 85 minute periods are too long falls asleep during class lecture
  • New Trier improves diversity by rounding percentages
  • English class reading readings on how to write rereads to write right
  • Tornado Chaser finally catches up
  • How to save money on Melatonin by crying yourself to sleep instead

2021-2022 Staff

Annie v
President of the United Staples of America

Annie v

Director of the 2000 masterpiece Animated Titanic, writer of Buzzfeed article "tell us your social security number and we'll tell you what mistake you're making with bacon", brief owner of the Motel 6 in Rutland, Vermont, Annie...

Eli T
fish food taste tester, occasional writer

Eli T

Eli graduated from the Omega One school of Fish Flakes in 1843 with a speciality in tropical freshwater food. He's won the "most medium sized pumpkin" competition at the Kentucky state fair in 1903. Fun fact: he's an immortal...

Caleb S
Sock puppet critic, anthill cartographer

Caleb S

More than just a paper enthusiast and wanted criminal in one country (Luxembourg), Caleb is a rampant lamp collector with a vendetta against lampshades. Casually fancy and outrageously reserved, nothing can escape his gravity well of thought...

Avery S
Professional obsessor and critic of amateur (i.e. all) fanfiction

Avery S

Avery is not the first mutant to attend New Trier, but she is the first one who gets nauseous at the sight of chalkboards. In her free time she attempts to be Spider-Man while trying to overcome her fear of spiders. She is fam...

Nicolle B
wicked witch

Nicolle B

Coven leader and reviled spinster, Nicolle is instantly recognizable by the dark shadow she casts in any room she walks into. When not cursing youthful protagonists or concocting hallucinogenic brews, she can be found babysit...

Riley K
pogo stick, unhinged door

Riley K

Riley is a timid, ineffectual student who cannot make even the slightest effort to compose a staff profile or contribute a picture, and thus, here we are.

Ben S
Walking Contradiction, wins arguments by yelling the loudest

Ben S

Ben doesn’t think that being random makes things funny, but he does that anyway because actual humor is hard and memes are hip now. He is a major political advocate, but he changes where on the spectrum he lies every day. Ben...

George M
Living human person, adds the word funny to the beginning of nouns sometimes.

George M

George is bad at everything he does, but some people don’t seem to understand so he says he’s humble and just goes with it. He eats two loaves of bread every Saturday and he understands that life is short and meaningless, ...

Max P
Unpredictable and tootsie-roll

Max P

Max is cool, chill and he’s smokin’ hot. He’s a classy cosmopolitan who was once strangled to death with a life jacket.

Anwyn L
SoundCloud rap album critic

Anwyn L

Anwyn, elusive member of society and author of several critically-acclaimed nonfiction novels “Testing Every Single Crayola Marker Color” and “Dented Water Bottles: An Overlook”, possibly lives in your mom’s house wit...

Activate Search
The Satirical Student Newspaper of New Trier
Staff