• 94-Years-Young Substitute Teacher Tunes to HDMI-3 on First Try!
  • Volcano Erupts Beneath School; Administrators Recommend Leaving Home Earlier
  • Lincoln’s Final Letters Reveal Wishes for Big Big Big Chair
  • Scientists Terrified to Discover Astrology Fake
  • Honesty No Longer Best Policy
  • Cooking Classes Will No Longer Be Taught By Eminem’s Mom
  • Women’s Construction Club Breaks Glass Ceiling in Major Sledgehammer Accident
Spring Horoscopes 2024
Spring Horoscopes 2024
Near True News Staff March 13, 2024

ARIES (March 21-April 19): Your consumer teacher will warn you that inflation won’t raise your GPA TAURUS (April 20-May 20): The book store worker will argue with you; you...

Horoscopes: Winter 2023
Horoscopes: Winter 2023
November 29, 2023

HOROSCOPES  ARIES (March 21-April 19): You will become a hero of the administration when the school bell breaks and somebody needs to alert gym class to start hustling. TAURUS...

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The Satirical Student Newspaper of New Trier
The Satirical Student Newspaper of New Trier