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  • New Trier will rebrand to Ewnay Riertay in remembrance of those lost to the Swine Flu
  • As part of a massive marketing deal with Smuckers, teachers will have to advertise jelly in between passing periods
  • Scientists determine that infinite monkeys with typewriters could not write New Trier’s course catalog if given eternity
  • New Trier reveals 2028 plans to begin construction of a Seville campus to combat falling AP Spanish grades
  • New Trier makes revolutionary move cracking down on student vaping, adds cameras to every bathroom stall
  • New Trier announces “Zero Senioritis Policy”; implements mandatory testing, lockdowns, and quarantining for afflicted E-Building classrooms.
  • New Trier sees quarter zips decline as wearing a top hat and tux is the new craze

The Near True News

The Satirical Student Newspaper of New Trier

The Satirical Student Newspaper of New Trier

The Near True News

The Satirical Student Newspaper of New Trier

The Near True News

Abby P

Abby P, Writer, Gourmet heirloom couch potato, north suburban flaneur

Abby is a professional procrastinator who can dodge any assignment thrown at her. She has recently become the coach of an Olympic goldfish training team which practices on the weekends in Bali. After graduating from the only university in Antarctica, Abby realized that she doesn’t like ice and is now pursuing a career in tropical gardening. In her free time, she can be found watching the daily farm report broadcast live from downstate Illinois or listening to Tuvan Throat Singing on Spotify. A seminal hostess and life of the party, Abby loves to have her friends over for Spam, sardines, and rum raisin ice cream sundaes while taking apart her home appliances to see how they work.

All content by Abby P
NT to Extend Graduation

NT to Extend Graduation

Abby P May 21, 2025

Graduation is a momentous occasion, filled with joy, excitement, and nervousness. For decades, New Trier has adhered to its traditions of requiring students to wear black and white and walk across the...

Parking Empire Exposed

Parking Empire Exposed

Abby P March 5, 2025

New Trier famously lacks parking, forcing its loyal Trevians to move heaven and earth to find a sliver of pavement large enough to fit their vehicles. Although many houses have capitalized on the lack...

New Bookstore Refreshingly Different!

New Bookstore Refreshingly Different!

Abby P May 29, 2024

The scrounge is crowded with students, all eagerly awaiting the grand re-opening of the bookstore. It is quite possibly the only time in New Trier history that students have been excited to buy books....

New Luxurious Uniforms Create Shopping Frenzy

New Luxurious Uniforms Create Shopping Frenzy

Abby P March 6, 2024

In an effort to reduce outfit creativity, the school has created a new uniform and surprisingly harsh punishments. Until now, students have donned a myriad of black Align Lululemon leggings, Aritzia SuperPuff...

Deep Dive into History!

Deep Dive into History!

Abby P May 17, 2023

The Winnetka campus pool is beloved by every single member of the New Trier community, but recent archeological discoveries have suggested that it could hold a far grander significance. Just last year,...

Lounging in Luxury

Lounging in Luxury

Eli T, Co-Editor and Abby P March 22, 2023

After New Trier’s recent renovations, efforts have been made to reduce anxiety by using versatile seating. This is supposedly conducive for meeting in groups and is meant to be comfortable, yet sleek....

Google Translate Takes Aim at Spanish Teachers

Google Translate Takes Aim at Spanish Teachers

Abby P February 15, 2023

This past week, in an unprecedented move, Google Translate has launched a lawsuit against the Spanish teachers of New Trier and the competitor company Word Reference for reported defamation of their brand.  Anyone...

Letter to the Editor: The Joys of Dropping Out

Letter to the Editor: The Joys of Dropping Out

Abby P. November 30, 2022

The following letter has been sent to The Near True News by a fellow student with the purpose of inspiring other students to become conscientious objectors to schooling. To the students of this fine...

New NT Game Reserve Causes Chaos

New NT Game Reserve Causes Chaos

Abby P May 17, 2022

Due to a rise in support to “restore the plains” in the local community, New Trier administration has brought 58 herds of bison to the school in order to return to the roots of America’s landscape.  However,...

“The Scoop”

“The Scoop”

Abby P January 25, 2022

New Drop Off Procedures At The Northfield Campus In order to alleviate traffic backups during construction, students may soon be expected to roll out of their moving cars when being dropped off. Crossing...

5 Clubs That Will DEFINITELY Make You Cool

5 Clubs That Will DEFINITELY Make You Cool

Abby P January 25, 2022

Science Olympiad: This club is exclusively for jocks. Between the electronic balances and the studying, only true athletes will be able to keep up. If you like chest bumping, getting concussions, and squirting...

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