• Baby left on doorstep of child growth and development class
  • Students Discover “Low Busywork” Teacher of 3 Months Actually Cardboard Cutout
  • Celebrity Guest Disappoints Crowd of Yo-Yo Enthusiasts with Lame Cello Performance
  • Custodians Go Too Far: School Now Gone
  • Dislexea Tetsing in Nusre’s Ofice
  • Teacher ditches attendance policy meeting to make quick 7/11 run
  • Hungry Hungry Caterpillar added to sophomore curriculum as a great window into the rich culture of bugs
Abby P

Abby P, Writer, Gourmet heirloom couch potato, north suburban flaneur

Abby is a professional procrastinator who can dodge any assignment thrown at her. She has recently become the coach of an Olympic goldfish training team which practices on the weekends in Bali. After graduating from the only university in Antarctica, Abby realized that she doesn’t like ice and is now pursuing a career in tropical gardening. In her free time, she can be found watching the daily farm report broadcast live from downstate Illinois or listening to Tuvan Throat Singing on Spotify. A seminal hostess and life of the party, Abby loves to have her friends over for Spam, sardines, and rum raisin ice cream sundaes while taking apart her home appliances to see how they work.

All content by Abby P
Intro to Attendance Class Helps Students Navigate New Policies

Intro to Attendance Class Helps Students Navigate New Policies

Abby P November 15, 2023

After the past few years of abominably bad attendance, New Trier leadership decided to up the ante with a new, very strict attendance policy. To enforce this new policy, the school created and published...

Deep Dive into History!

Deep Dive into History!

Abby P May 17, 2023

The Winnetka campus pool is beloved by every single member of the New Trier community, but recent archeological discoveries have suggested that it could hold a far grander significance. Just last year,...

Lounging in Luxury

Lounging in Luxury

Eli T, Co-Editor and Abby P March 22, 2023

After New Trier’s recent renovations, efforts have been made to reduce anxiety by using versatile seating. This is supposedly conducive for meeting in groups and is meant to be comfortable, yet sleek....

Google Translate Takes Aim at Spanish Teachers

Google Translate Takes Aim at Spanish Teachers

Abby P February 15, 2023

This past week, in an unprecedented move, Google Translate has launched a lawsuit against the Spanish teachers of New Trier and the competitor company Word Reference for reported defamation of their brand.  Anyone...

Letter to the Editor: The Joys of Dropping Out

Letter to the Editor: The Joys of Dropping Out

Abby P. November 30, 2022

The following letter has been sent to The Near True News by a fellow student with the purpose of inspiring other students to become conscientious objectors to schooling. To the students of this fine...

New Triers Cafeteria Food, Reviewed by an Esteemed Dining Critic

New Trier’s Cafeteria Food, Reviewed by an Esteemed Dining Critic

Abby P May 31, 2022

This review was written by the dining critic for Cuisine Quarterly, who remains anonymous to maintain her ability to conduct undercover investigations. It was reprinted without Cuisine Quarterly’s permission....

New Trier Adds AirPod Warehouse to Northfield Campus

New Trier Adds AirPod Warehouse to Northfield Campus

Abby P May 31, 2022

Over the summer of 2021, the New Trier Warehouse District quietly arose in the fields surrounding the Northfield Campus.  Despite numerous concerns about the surreptitious construction of a logistics...

New NT Game Reserve Causes Chaos

New NT Game Reserve Causes Chaos

Abby P May 17, 2022

Due to a rise in support to “restore the plains” in the local community, New Trier administration has brought 58 herds of bison to the school in order to return to the roots of America’s landscape.  However,...

“The Scoop”

“The Scoop”

Abby P January 25, 2022

New Drop Off Procedures At The Northfield Campus In order to alleviate traffic backups during construction, students may soon be expected to roll out of their moving cars when being dropped off. Crossing...

5 Clubs That Will DEFINITELY Make You Cool

5 Clubs That Will DEFINITELY Make You Cool

Abby P January 25, 2022

Science Olympiad: This club is exclusively for jocks. Between the electronic balances and the studying, only true athletes will be able to keep up. If you like chest bumping, getting concussions, and squirting...

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