• Baby left on doorstep of child growth and development class
  • Students Discover “Low Busywork” Teacher of 3 Months Actually Cardboard Cutout
  • Celebrity Guest Disappoints Crowd of Yo-Yo Enthusiasts with Lame Cello Performance
  • Custodians Go Too Far: School Now Gone
  • Dislexea Tetsing in Nusre’s Ofice
  • Teacher ditches attendance policy meeting to make quick 7/11 run
  • Hungry Hungry Caterpillar added to sophomore curriculum as a great window into the rich culture of bugs
Max P

Max P, Unpredictable and tootsie-roll

Max’s accolades include: winner of the 2019 Wriders Guild Award, winner of the Stanley Cup, The Regional Biannual Ping Pong Championship semifinalist, participant in second-grade Little League Baseball tournament (green team), first man on the Sun, vegan (except for TGI Friday's), elephant dung shoveler, stay-at-home mom, felon, record holder for fastest time to crash a car, and certified loser.

All content by Max P
Walls Full of Gold Shavings and Caviar Cited as Primary Expenses for New Gym

Walls Full of Gold Shavings and Caviar Cited as Primary Expenses for New Gym

Max P November 15, 2023

With the last brick of the new gym placed, New Trier officials have finally released documents regarding the allocations of funding for the project. To the untrained eye, this budget may seem unremarkable,...

New Trier’s New “Negative Tolerance” Policy Encourages Stupid Nonsense

New Trier’s New “Negative Tolerance” Policy Encourages Stupid Nonsense

Max P May 17, 2023

Beginning this week, New Trier will be installing a new “Negative Tolerance” policy, effectively penalizing students for any positive behavior regarding the school’s typical status quo. Under this...

New Trier Introduces River Running Through Winnetka Campus to Encourage Trade

New Trier Introduces River Running Through Winnetka Campus to Encourage Trade

Max P April 5, 2023

In an effort to boost the economy of its already affluent community, New Trier High School has announced plans to install a river in the Winnetka campus. The river will reportedly be fed by water diverted...

Pooping Team Cracks Open Explosive Suit Against New Trier Stool: “We can’t be made #2!”

Pooping Team Cracks Open Explosive Suit Against New Trier Stool: “We can’t be made #2!”

Max P March 22, 2023

Causing a stink in the community, the New Trier Pooping Team has slammed popular school sports account New Trier Stool with a new copyright lawsuit. The reason? The word "stool.”  The lawsuit alleges...

Top 10 Breakup Lines to Make Ending Things Fun for Everyone

Top 10 Breakup Lines to Make Ending Things Fun for Everyone

Max P February 15, 2023

Now that we have made it through another Valentine’s Day we know that many of you are regretting your romantic choices. We at the Near True News are here to help. If I could rearrange the alphabet,...

As New Trier Adopts “No Homework” Policy, Students Complain About Too Much Freetime

As New Trier Adopts “No Homework” Policy, Students Complain About Too Much Freetime

Max P February 15, 2023

In a stunning move, the New Trier Board of Education voted unanimously to adopt a "no homework" policy, much to the outrage of students. The policy, which would go into effect immediately, is designed...

New Trier Administration Creates a $15 Million “Inaction Plan”

New Trier Administration Creates a $15 Million “Inaction Plan”

Max P February 15, 2023

To students’ surprise, the leaders of New Trier have announced a new $15 million plan to not help in any way whatsoever. The plan, which has been dubbed the “Inaction Plan,” is being touted as the...

Senior Quotes for You!

Senior Quotes for You!

Max P November 30, 2022

Senior quotes were due last month, which means that this year's juniors have less than a year to brainstorm a list of creative quips to be emblazoned beneath their eternal portraits. The stress of this...

NT Pooping Team Wins Regionals, Moves on to State

NT Pooping Team Wins Regionals, Moves on to State

Max P May 24, 2022

The New Trier Pooping Team came out victorious in the regional pooping championship, and is now preparing for state. “I can already smell victory,” says Bo Wells, who has been head pooping coach for...

Birthday Gift Ideas

Birthday Gift Ideas

Max P January 25, 2022

Squirrel Torture Kit Does the long New Trier block schedule make you want to take your anger out on a small, fluffy animal? Of course it does! This action-packed after-school activity will knock your...

Load More Stories

Comments (0)

All The Near True News Picks Reader Picks Sort: Newest
Activate Search
The Satirical Student Newspaper of New Trier
Max P