New Trier Introduces River Running Through Winnetka Campus to Encourage Trade


In an effort to boost the economy of its already affluent community, New Trier High School has announced plans to install a river in the Winnetka campus.

The river will reportedly be fed by water diverted from the school’s swimming pool, and will feature several small waterfalls, a lazy river section for tube rides, and a designated “whitewater rafting” area for thrill-seekers. The river will span a distance of 3.2 miles initially, but school officials plan to expand the project to the coast, in order to facilitate important trade routes to Plymouth, England. 

To address the issues of cost and work, the wall will be completely student-sourced. Money to cover construction will be raised through the use of an entry toll, and the labor will be manned by those in the Wood & Metal Design program.

In an interview conducted by the Near True team, principal Dr. Don McMaffin explained the rationale behind the unusual project: “We’ve always been a school that values entrepreneurship and innovation, so we thought, why not bring the marketplace to us?” He hopes the river will bring trade and commerce by allowing students to set up shops along its banks. 

Indeed, students are excited about the prospect of turning their school into a tourist destination. “I’m going to sell river rocks with inspirational messages written on them,” said junior Ralph Abernathy. “And maybe start a fish-feeding service or something.” Other proposed ventures for the river include a floating math tutor, a riverfront boutique selling handmade hoodies, and a gondola transportation service staffed by student athletes.

However, parents and community members have expressed mixed feelings about the project. Some worry that the river will distract from the school’s academic mission and turn New Trier into a glorified water park. Others see it as a potential source of revenue for the school, and are already scheming to sell concessions and souvenirs.

Construction is set to begin in the coming months, with an anticipated completion date of April 1, 2024. Until then, New Trier students will have to content themselves with the school’s more traditional extracurricular activities, like lacrosse, debate team, and the Pooping Team.