Mr. John Tong, a chemistry teacher, has sparked distrust among New Trier students as of late due to the questionable “required materials” students must bring to his organic chemistry class. The list of requirements, which started off with only a humble pencil, notebook and iPad, soon grew to include mini-fridges, gas grills, and chunks of solid gold.
When the Near True News asked about his thought process via email, Tong assured us that these materials would all play a part in his course curriculum at some point in the year. However, after a few anonymous tips suggested otherwise, the Near True News was prompted to investigate further.
Upon visiting ebay.com, and sorting by “Top Sellers,” one can find a small leaderboard. First place lists RockeFella2000, an oil fracker from Idaho that sells it cheap by the keg. In second place was HumpyDumpkins98, the one and only seller of Monopoly game boards. Third place, however, yielded an interesting result: TongJohn45, seller of refrigerators, gas grills, custom poured gold statues, and other various luxuries.
One student, who preferred to remain anonymous, was surprised when informed about the findings. “I had no idea Mr. Tong was doing this,” they said. “A few suspicions came up once he requested a trampoline, but he otherwise seemed completely innocent.”
As the story unfolded, it was discovered that Mr. Tong’s office had been transformed into a bizarre bazaar, complete with an auctioneer’s gavel and cash register. The final straw came when a freshman reported that his family’s heirloom, a vintage 1910 toaster, invented almost two decades before sliced bread, had mysteriously appeared in the auction, labeled “Combustion machine.”
The Near True News can now confirm that eBay account TongJohn45 has been suspended permanently from the site. Due to loopholes regarding the New Trier Code of Ethics, Illinois state law, and the Pentagon operations handbook, Johnathan Rutabaga Tong will continue teaching.
We will continue to follow this story, providing updates on the unfortunate legal case of Mr. Tong. For now, students can rest easy knowing that their next lab experiment will not require a mortgage or a bank loan.
