Deep Dive into History!

New Trier Pool Excavation Reveals Discoveries, Decapitations


The Winnetka campus pool is beloved by every single member of the New Trier community, but recent archeological discoveries have suggested that it could hold a far grander significance. Just last year, the Winnetka campus pool was designated a UNESCO World Heritage Site, bringing it into the same league as Roman baths, the Great Wall of China, and the Acropolis of Athens in terms of historical importance. 

In 1200 B.C., Environmental Geoscience students single-handedly saved an endangered population of purple-eyed porpoises by raising them in the pool. This rare species of porpoise has adapted to live in chlorinated water and to this day can only be found in North American swimming pools, a testament to the intrepid minds of past New Trier students. After the discovery of this extremely successful pool-raising tactic, scholars have begun to investigate other scientific achievements of early man, and New Trier has risen to the forefront of archeological sites around the world.

This recent discovery led to more research and excavation on the site, revealing secrets about the school’s heritage. Lead archeologist Rob Digs explains, “New Trier’s name has its roots in Trier, a Roman capital known for extreme pollution and famine.” Before now, most students thought that the name was simply a reference to the infamous Trier of Germany, but recent research has discovered ancient Roman ruins underneath the pool. Among many artifacts, a Roman iPod Shuffle containing three different versions of “Shake it Off” (original, instrumental, and karaoke) was found buried underneath an ancient sofa cushion. Experts attempted to turn it on, and were pleasantly surprised to find that it still had battery life, affirming the longevity of fashionable Apple products. A small dance party ensued. 

Later, archeologists inspected every inch of the pool deck and stumbled across inscriptions in the diving boards that are suspected to date back to 900 B.C. These inscriptions, translated into English, revealed that the diving boards had previously been used for beheadings. The criminal would have been told to jump off the diving board while an expert ax thrower aimed at their neck. If the ax missed, the criminal would be pulled out of the water and told to jump again, this time having to strike a pose on the way down while smiling for a mug shot (speed-carved stone tablets). The ax has been said to represent the karma coming to haunt the criminal after their betrayal of Rome. A scribe would then engrave the name of the criminal into the diving board, as a permanent record of the punishment. 

The long and occasionally gruesome history of New Trier has opened the eyes of many in the community. In partnership with UNESCO, the school has begun outfitting the pool complex into a museum where people from around the world can visit and learn. New Trier has also announced that they will be charging $20 for admission to the museum, claiming that the proceeds will fund another $100 million project to clad another section of the building in glass and slightly off-color brick. This new project is said to usher in a new wave of scientific achievement at New Trier while not forgetting the majestic ways of the past.