New NT Game Reserve Causes Chaos


Due to a rise in support to “restore the plains” in the local community, New Trier administration has brought 58 herds of bison to the school in order to return to the roots of America’s landscape. 

However, soon after the animals arrived, problems began to surface. School officials realized only after the enormous animals had arrived on campus that they had no place to keep them. The only place large enough turned out to be the athletic fields, resulting in KW classes being moved inside, and causing numerous football games to be delayed due to grazing and occasionally stampedes.

To counter the negative press surrounding these incidents, administrators have begun recognizing students who excel in bison-back riding with prizes and prestige.  Coincidentally, this award was established after numerous bison escaped their pens and began blocking roads near the school, creating enormous traffic jams and dirtying the streets with their larger-than-life excrement. Students are now required to park a few blocks away, carry their school-provided saddles to the site of the jam, then mount the beasts and steer them to the front doors of the school. After experiencing near-daily jams that can take hours to resolve, students have finally begun to perfect the art.

Although this new bison-raising program seems to cause a lot of problems, the school has decided to keep them in the fields indefinitely, as the community has taken a liking to the pungent, grubby, belligerent animals. 

“It is an honor to host our very hairy guests.” Vice Principal Don McMaffin told the Near True News. “We are proud to help the herds of bison thunder across the plains once again.”