• November 20Detonation of sun causes the bankruptcy of Sunglass Hut
  • November 20Zoom announces new anti-vaxx campaign
  • November 20Handshake club disbands, “we just can’t make it work”
  • November 19College Board announces new fight-to-the-death scholarship
  • November 19Range Rover names New Trier student customer of the year
  • November 19Protesters protest, not knowing what they are protesting, despite protests
  • October 13New Trier Goes Remote; Lunch Lines Somehow Remain
  • October 13Old Building Bathrooms deemed Historical Landmark
  • October 13Dance Day performance choreographed to Challah Talk
  • October 13Climate Survey Reveals It’s Way Too Hot In Here
  • October 13Parking Lot Small
  • October 13Disturbing New Study Finds That Sophomores are Just Slightly Older Freshman
  • October 13Sinks Removed From Bathrooms to Make Room for Tik Toks

Eli Trokenheim, fish food taste tester, occasional writer

Eli graduated from the Omega One school of Fish Flakes in 1843 with a speciality in tropical freshwater food. He's won the "most medium sized pumpkin" competition at the Kentucky state fair in 1903. Fun fact: he's an immortal being who can only be killed with a goose feather stabbed through his eyeball. In his spare time Eli enjoys gutting other people's pet voles with a kitchen knife, and is developing a magic cocktail that attracts every single post-it note in the universe to your left ring finger.

All content by Eli Trokenheim
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The Satirical Student Newspaper of New Trier
Eli Trokenheim