• 94-Years-Young Substitute Teacher Tunes to HDMI-3 on First Try!
  • Volcano Erupts Beneath School; Administrators Recommend Leaving Home Earlier
  • Lincoln’s Final Letters Reveal Wishes for Big Big Big Chair
  • Scientists Terrified to Discover Astrology Fake
  • Honesty No Longer Best Policy
  • Cooking Classes Will No Longer Be Taught By Eminem’s Mom
  • Women’s Construction Club Breaks Glass Ceiling in Major Sledgehammer Accident
Eli T, Co-Editor

Eli T, Co-Editor, fish food taste tester, occasional writer

Eli graduated from the Omega One school of Fish Flakes in 1843 with a speciality in tropical freshwater food. He's won the "most medium sized pumpkin" competition at the Kentucky state fair in 1903. Fun fact: he's an immortal being who can only be killed with a goose feather stabbed through his eyeball. In his spare time Eli enjoys gutting other people's pet voles with a kitchen knife, and is developing a magic cocktail that attracts every single post-it note in the universe to your left ring finger.

All content by Eli T, Co-Editor
Top 7 Graduation Walks

Top 7 Graduation Walks

Nicolle B, Co-Editor and Eli T, Co-Editor May 17, 2023

Saunter: Stride confidently up to the stage to receive your fake diploma. Smile with your whitened, alabaster teeth. Pose for the camera.  Sashay: Levitate from your seat. Float up to the front....

Top 5 Graduation Presents

Top 5 Graduation Presents

Eli T, Co-Editor May 17, 2023

High school graduation is the culmination of years of hard work. All the sleepless nights and skipped lunch periods have led to this ultimate celebration of the New Trier class of 2023. The only thing...

Lounging in Luxury

Lounging in Luxury

Eli T, Co-Editor and Abby P March 22, 2023

After New Trier’s recent renovations, efforts have been made to reduce anxiety by using versatile seating. This is supposedly conducive for meeting in groups and is meant to be comfortable, yet sleek....

Fishin for Love with Bass Fishing Pickup Lines!

Fishin’ for Love with Bass Fishing Pickup Lines!

Nicolle B, Co-Editor and Eli T, Co-Editor February 15, 2023

Bass fishers are known for oozing romantic appeal, but they often elude even the highest quality flirtations. Luckily, the Near True News’ team of Love Editors have put together an accessible guide for...

Amidst Club Fair Antics, The Near True News Remains True

Amidst Club Fair Antics, The Near True News Remains True

Nicolle B, Co-Editor and Eli T, Co-Editor September 12, 2022

As the beginning of school rolls into full swing, lonely freshmen and middle children aren’t the only ones desperate for attention. New Trier’s clubs – all six hundred and seventy nine of them –...

Navigating the Treacherous Hellscape of the College Board

Navigating the Treacherous Hellscape of the College Board

Eli Trokenheim November 2, 2021

The Advanced Placement system can be full of confusion and all manner of traps, but luckily the Near True News is here to help you get through all your stressful courses. Our research indicates that students...

Write Your Perfect College Essay

Write Your Perfect College Essay

Eli Trokenheim November 2, 2021

When I was applying for colleges, I really struggled to find the perfect essay to encompass my entire being. Fortunately, my pet squirrel brought me a fully written essay from my neighbor’s garbage can,...

New Trier Crime Report

New Trier Crime Report

Annie von Dohlen and Eli Trokenheim November 2, 2021
A girl was detained by the adviser chair for failing to sign up for all level four classes. Teachers became suspicious when she began sleeping through the night.
Eek, a boy! New gender-segregation programs announced

Eek, a boy! New gender-segregation programs announced

Eli Trokenheim and Annie von Dohlen November 2, 2021

The incredible importance of enforcing a homogeneous environment is often overlooked. Although the advisery system provides shelter for the first 25 minutes of your morning, there is no break from the...

Halloween Costume Roundup!

Halloween Costume Roundup!

Eli Trokenheim and Ben S October 26, 2021

The latest Youth Risk Behavior Survey data has identified choosing Halloween costumes as the riskiest decision a New Trier student faces each year. A well-executed Halloween costume has the power to take...

Rejected College Essays

Rejected College Essays

Eli Trokenheim and Annie von Dohlen March 5, 2021

At significant risk to their lives and reputations, our stalwart reporters here at the NTN have pieced together shredded documents recovered from the Post-High School Counseling department wastebaskets....

2019 Field Trip Report

2019 Field Trip Report

Eli Trokenheim and Annie von Dohlen March 5, 2021

Remote learning has nothing on the desire of students to get excursion cards signed! Unfortunately, the Cook County Department of Health disagreed, so here is our field trip report for 2019. Spanish-...

Hot New Products!

Hot New Products!

Caleb Sim and Eli Trokenheim March 5, 2021

Looking for a hot new product to buy, or maybe even invest in? Well you’ve come to the right place. For a fraction of a year, Business Outsider has brought satisfaction to a few people with new and exciting...

Top 10 Dangers at New Trier

Top 10 Dangers at New Trier

Eli Trokenheim and Annie von Dohlen March 5, 2021

Bees Running on the third floor balconies in the new building after they wax the floors and falling a la Emperor Palpatine Hostage situations due to teachers demanding upgraded coffeemakers  ...

Ask a College Admissions Officer

Ask a College Admissions Officer

Eli Trokenheim and Annie von Dohlen March 5, 2021

Getting into college is a stressful experience for high schoolers every year.  That's why we contacted a local college admissions officer to help answer your burning questions! Q: Would you prefer...

An incoming freshman learns how to grip her bow for maximum killing efficiency.

Freshman English’s Big Fat Greek Bloodbath

Eli Trokenheim March 5, 2021

It has been elucidated in recent years that colleges are looking for something more than just rigorous education; they are in search of students prepared to risk their own physical well-being in the name...

Harry Potter and the Deathly Lemmings

Harry Potter and the Deathly Lemmings

Eli Trokenheim December 1, 2020

From the beginning of time, the attack of the lemmings has been inevitable. There is no greater certainty in all of humanity than the lemming apocalypse. Luckily, we have had a long time to prepare, so...

Ask a Cleaning Person

Ask a Cleaning Person

Eli Trokenheim November 19, 2020

This pandemic has made people realize that they are living in their own filth and then smearing it all over their face. Our team of experts is ready to answer all of your questions about how to dissolve...

Most Popular Zoom Waiting Room Activities

Most Popular Zoom Waiting Room Activities

Eli Trokenheim and Annie von Dohlen November 19, 2020

We know this is a stressful time, so in an effort to give families the illusion of control over some small aspect of their lives, they can now choose to sing one of the following songs in Zoom waiting...

Fall Interior Decor

Fall Interior Decor

Eli Trokenheim November 10, 2020

It’s autumn, and the leaves are falling. But with new COVID restrictions it’s a lot harder to go out and waste money buying fake pine cones at Bed Bath and Beyond. Luckily our interior design consultant...

New Trier Anonymous Apologies

New Trier Anonymous Apologies

Eli Trokenheim November 10, 2020

“I’m sorry about that time when I ran over your hamster with your neighbor’s tricycle, I didn’t realize how fast tricycles could go”  “I just want you to know that it was an accident...

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Eli T, Co-Editor