• October 26How to save money on Melatonin by crying yourself to sleep instead
  • October 26“Devious Licks” peaks with students stealing any respect the school administrators had for them
  • October 26Student feels more stressed after wasting time meditating to reduce stress
  • October 26Administrator assigned to observe whether 85 minute periods are too long falls asleep during class lecture
  • October 26New Trier improves diversity by rounding percentages
  • October 26English class reading readings on how to write rereads to write right
  • October 26Tornado Chaser finally catches up

Eli Trokenheim, fish food taste tester, occasional writer

Eli graduated from the Omega One school of Fish Flakes in 1843 with a speciality in tropical freshwater food. He's won the "most medium sized pumpkin" competition at the Kentucky state fair in 1903. Fun fact: he's an immortal being who can only be killed with a goose feather stabbed through his eyeball. In his spare time Eli enjoys gutting other people's pet voles with a kitchen knife, and is developing a magic cocktail that attracts every single post-it note in the universe to your left ring finger.

All content by Eli Trokenheim
Activate Search
The Satirical Student Newspaper of New Trier
Eli Trokenheim