• March 5School reprimands: “the baggage claim in the Scrounge is exclusively for disembarking airline passengers, not student use”
  • March 5Viola declared the most sat-on instrument of 2021
  • March 5Class of 2024 kidnapped and set adrift on Lake Michigan “to prepare them for the true New Trier experience”
  • March 5Admin whistleblower on remote learning: “It’s just because we ran out of cafeteria food”
  • March 5‘No taxation without caffeination’ campaign highlights campus inequalities
  • March 5Applied Arts stops pretending they want learning tools, just asks for bouncy balls and some Cheetos

Eli Trokenheim, fish food taste tester, occasional writer

Eli graduated from the Omega One school of Fish Flakes in 1843 with a speciality in tropical freshwater food. He's won the "most medium sized pumpkin" competition at the Kentucky state fair in 1903. Fun fact: he's an immortal being who can only be killed with a goose feather stabbed through his eyeball. In his spare time Eli enjoys gutting other people's pet voles with a kitchen knife, and is developing a magic cocktail that attracts every single post-it note in the universe to your left ring finger.

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The Satirical Student Newspaper of New Trier
Eli Trokenheim