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  • New Trier will rebrand to Ewnay Riertay in remembrance of those lost to the Swine Flu
  • As part of a massive marketing deal with Smuckers, teachers will have to advertise jelly in between passing periods
  • Scientists determine that infinite monkeys with typewriters could not write New Trier’s course catalog if given eternity
  • New Trier reveals 2028 plans to begin construction of a Seville campus to combat falling AP Spanish grades
  • New Trier makes revolutionary move cracking down on student vaping, adds cameras to every bathroom stall
  • New Trier announces “Zero Senioritis Policy”; implements mandatory testing, lockdowns, and quarantining for afflicted E-Building classrooms.
  • New Trier sees quarter zips decline as wearing a top hat and tux is the new craze

The Near True News

The Satirical Student Newspaper of New Trier

The Satirical Student Newspaper of New Trier

The Near True News

The Satirical Student Newspaper of New Trier

The Near True News

Caleb S

Caleb S, Sock puppet critic, anthill cartographer

More than just a paper enthusiast and wanted criminal in one country (Luxembourg), Caleb is a rampant lamp collector with a vendetta against lampshades. Casually fancy and outrageously reserved, nothing can escape his gravity well of thought which manifests itself upon sock puppet exhibitions and sometimes coherent works of writing, most of which is for English class; the rest make their home here.

All content by Caleb Sim
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Caleb Sim and Eli Trokenheim March 5, 2021

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