Hot New Products!

From your friends at Business Outsider


Looking for a hot new product to buy, or maybe even invest in? Well you’ve come to the right place. For a fraction of a year, Business Outsider has brought satisfaction to a few people with new and exciting business prospects. Today, we are proud to present some of what we think are the hottest and most promising products to date!


The Teen Tranquilizer

This savvy new innovation puts a human spin onto the classic electric fence for dogs. Simply set boundaries, and attach the ergonomic head-strap onto your (not so) precious teen. Upon detection of boundaries, the metal head-strap sends a jolt of electricity through your teen’s head and vital organs. One step out of their room, and they’ll be headbanging for a different reason! The creators of this invention intelligently took into consideration that the teens could possibly start crying from such an experience, so the voltage of a shock was ensured to be high enough for subjects to be pacified. Mothers and fathers of teenage nuisances no longer have to worry. A true technological miracle.

(Batteries not included)


Sunspot Insta-Oven

Tired of long wait times for baking and cooking? Want to get that green bean or marshmallow and sweet potato casserole that nobody touches on the Thanksgiving table even faster? The Sunspot Insta-Oven is your pal! Using the advanced technology of nuclear fission, the SIO cooks food at 5,000°C, for nearly instant cook times, and it works just like any other oven. Just make sure that you and your loved ones are at least over 10 miles away, and behind a steel-reinforced pike-attached ballistic blast shield, and wearing eclipse glasses. A lifesaver for cooking!

(Plutonium-239 not included)


Skin Saver

Everyone’s skin gets dry and flaky and nasty and starts peeling off in disgusting flaps during the cold winter months. Luckily you can buy yourself a Skin Saver. Whenever you feel your skin getting dry, rub some sandpaper over that spot and let your skin collect in the Skin Saver. If your lips are chapped, just peel them right off and toss it in the collection compartment. Chapstick is overrated. Eventually you’ll have collected enough flakes and flaps for the Skin Saver to grow you a whole new suit of skin. Make sure you fluff it out before putting it on for the most natural appearance. Feeling zesty? Try throwing some orange peels in for the rich, luscious, ravishing skin tone of our former president. (Starter skin pieces are included!)


Candle Cooker

Nothing will enhance your life like the Candle Cooker. You can create your very own personalized scented candles. All you need is wax (ear wax works too) and your scent. Many people love scented candles, but can’t stand that gag inducing vanilla-coconut-Shea butter-oatmeal-honey-cinnamon-nutmeg-brown sugar smell. The good news is you can make your own delicate, gentle, mild, blissful, Elysian fragrance. If you ever throw up some especially scrumptious vomit, take a sample and put it into the Candle cooker. Out pops the candle, and now you can enjoy the aromatic scent of vomit whenever you want. The second most popular scent is “Dead Fish.” Our grateful buyers say they always have a plastic bag to pick up all the rotting fish carcasses they see on the beach. Sometimes if they’re lucky, random people lob dead fish at their windows. Always have your ears open for the sound of a wet, squishy smack. You never know what the world will throw at you. When life gives you dead fish, make scented candles!


Microbe Drive 

Need that extra bit of storage, but don’t want to buy thumb drives with extravagantly extra sizes? Fear no more, for the Microbe Drive is here! As opposed to an expensive large hard drive that has just too many gigabytes, the Microbe Drive with a storage space of 10-50 kilobytes! This product is perfect for that slight amount of storage space needed. One satisfied consumer stated, “I love the Microbe Drive. It lets me download that final bit of [Removed] and [Removed] and of course the mac-n’-cheese integration that the electronic rocking chair needs.” 


Volcano in a Box 

Get rid of your neighbors with flawless ease! Don’t trouble yourself with trivial pleasantries like asking your neighbors to host their Frozen 2 karaoke night some time before 1 am. I’ve always thought human interaction was such a drag. Solve your people-problems with the Volcano in a Box: wrap this product in sparkly gift paper (actually wrap it, don’t just put it in a bag with tissue paper) and leave it on your neighbor’s porch. They’ll open it and… WHOOSH!! the Volcano in a Box explodes and melts their house. This clever device allows you to avoid a Class 1 felony charge from committing arson. (Your neighbors house will melt, not burn so, you’ll only face a Class 4 felony charge for destruction of property.) Ingenious!


Annoyance-Free Christmas Tree

The days of pine needles on the floor threatening your ferret’s digestive tract are over: the Annoyance-Free Christmas Tree is taking the “Aw, Christ!” (we are deeply sorry) out of Christmas!

Safe, smart, and ergonomic, this product removes all of those pesky branches and needles that cause so much frustration during the holiday season. Those pesky stands to keep the tree upright? Gone. Simply lean your new-fangled tree against the wall, and decorate with your favorite ornaments. Storage is so much easier too! The Annoyance-Free Christmas Tree can be stored in many convenient places, such as beehives, submarine torpedo tubes, or on the BM-13 Katyusha multiple rocket launchers. Try our organic version of the product, taken straight from the below-average forests of Canada, into your home! Child and termite-friendly, the organic variant can be repurposed as firewood for roasting marshmallows (or irritating relatives if you fancy). Nothing brings more holiday cheer than the gracious presence of the Annoyance-Free Christmas Tree!

(Non-flammable Hanukkah and Kwanzaa candles coming soon!)