New Trier North, East, South, West Wings to be demolished to accommodate student needs


In response to student complaints, primarily concerning lack of parking and food options, the New Trier administration has announced plans to “make some tweaks” to the school facilities.

“In accordance with student preference, which we so highly value, steps to enact slight modifications to building layout will be set into motion as soon as possible,” said new assistant principal for student operations & curriculum innovation Don McMaffan in a statement.

McMaffen also released finalized plans for the renovations. Stage one of the three-step plan is to vaporize all New Trier facilities⁠—except for the scrounge, which will be preserved in order to keep the vending machines running.

“We’ve set the tentative date for our modifications sometime after Winter Break, when students will be least likely to notice,” stated McMaffan. “We also plan to have students in attendance in order to test emergency protocol and assess student preparedness; we believe that wrecking balls and nitroglycerin are among the prevailing threats to our students.”

Stage two includes the paving and conversion of demolished buildings into student parking towers. Students will be given the option to return to online learning or take all classes in the scrounge during this time. 

“We encourage students to participate in in-person learning. Various accommodations will be provided such as earplugs to block out construction machinery and frequent breaks to explore the newly constructed parking lots.”

Stage two includes the paving and conversion of demolished buildings into student parking towers.

Many parents have expressed concern over student safety, to which McMaffan insisted: “We guarantee that students will inhale only safe doses of asphalt fumes, vehicular smog, and hexavalent chromium; and frankly, there’s only so much damage falling rebar can do. This generation has been far too insulated from the healthy effects of mild bodily danger.”

The final stage of the plan details the establishment of a multi-story, on-campus, multicultural megaChili’s on the vacated school grounds; the location will feature authentic casual American dining from the leftovers of Indonesia, South Korea, Qatar, Chile, Tunisia, among many more.

“All of this is for the students!” McMaffan reiterated.