• 94-Years-Young Substitute Teacher Tunes to HDMI-3 on First Try!
  • Volcano Erupts Beneath School; Administrators Recommend Leaving Home Earlier
  • Lincoln’s Final Letters Reveal Wishes for Big Big Big Chair
  • Scientists Terrified to Discover Astrology Fake
  • Honesty No Longer Best Policy
  • Cooking Classes Will No Longer Be Taught By Eminem’s Mom
  • Women’s Construction Club Breaks Glass Ceiling in Major Sledgehammer Accident
Ben S

Ben S, Walking Contradiction, wins arguments by yelling the loudest

Ben doesn’t think that being random makes things funny, but he does that anyway because actual humor is hard and memes are hip now. He is a major political advocate, but he changes where on the spectrum he lies every day. Ben doesn’t like being told he’s an old man in a teenage body, but can’t help that things were better back in his day. The only things he loves more than New Trier is the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard, drinking lemon juice, and having a movie he wanted to watch spoiled for him. One day, Ben hopes to be the reason this paper is forced to shut down.

All content by Ben S
“Everything is Fine,” New Trier Reports

“Everything is Fine,” New Trier Reports

Ben S November 30, 2022

Results from New Trier’s latest Student Wellness Survey show significant improvements over previous years, the administration reported. Students were given five options to describe their state of...

Another victim of Jeremys insights.

Notorious Bad-Take Student Haunts New Trier

Ben S May 31, 2022

The groans of New Trier students rang far and wide through the halls as Jeremy Jugburger entered, eager to share whatever thought was on his mind. Students familiar with Jeremy (none of them were willing...

New Trier Closes Bean Team

New Trier Closes Bean Team

Ben S and Jake S April 5, 2022

In another casualty of the New Trier School Board’s war on drugs, the much beloved coffee bar in the cafeteria, commonly referred to as the “Bean Team,” will be closing permanently, following several...

Crackdown on Affection Begins

Crackdown on Affection Begins

Ben S April 5, 2022

In the wake of not one but two op-eds in our sister paper, The New Trier News, lambasting Valentine’s Day, New Trier has announced new rules that seek to make even the most lonely students feel comfortable...

Suppression of Journalism is Good, Actually

Suppression of Journalism is Good, Actually

Annie v and Ben S April 5, 2022

Many students may wonder why the familiar stacks of student publications like the Near True News aren’t showing up in their Adviseries every Friday. It’s not because we stopped reporting the news,...

New-Normal New Trier Schedule

New-Normal New Trier Schedule

Ben S January 25, 2022

New Trier has decided on a brand new schedule for the first three weeks of the 2nd semester. This new schedule will be determined by the rolling of a 60-sided die, thoughtfully donated by the Dungeons...

How to Diagnose Covid at Home

How to Diagnose Covid at Home

Avery S and Ben S January 25, 2022

COVID-19 has now been around for almost two years and people still don't seem to understand what it is. In this list we would like to address Covid symptoms and causes, so everyday Americans can skip the...

New club rebels against the reds

New club “rebels against the reds”

Ben S November 2, 2021

As New Trier is a hub for political debate among the youth, a new club has been introduced in response to rapidly polarizing views. The Social Antisocialist Society has been created for those “who want...

Halloween Costume Roundup!

Halloween Costume Roundup!

Eli Trokenheim and Ben S October 26, 2021

The latest Youth Risk Behavior Survey data has identified choosing Halloween costumes as the riskiest decision a New Trier student faces each year. A well-executed Halloween costume has the power to take...

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Ben S