“Everything is Fine,” New Trier Reports


Results from New Trier’s latest Student Wellness Survey show significant improvements over previous years, the administration reported.

Students were given five options to describe their state of mental stability: four fixed in options and a write-in “other” category. Surpassing all expectations, the number of students who reported they were “incredibly overwhelmed and desperate for help” decreased by nearly 100% after the administration removed that option from this year’s survey. 

Only one student instead of three (a 66% decrease) reported that they were “miserable, just horrible. Life is pain, death is nothing but an empty void, and this school was created by an unloving deity for the sole purpose of torturing the youth.” A press release from the administration also highlighted that there was a 4%, 2%, and 0.3% increase in students who reported being “Ok,” “Somewhat good,” and “Absolutely amazing,” respectively.

Although these increases have attracted the scrutiny of critics, the administration maintains their legitimacy. Based on their findings, accusations have circulated that the school attempted to skew results by announcing a “homework-free” week in anticipation of the survey. Moreover, they point out that free omelets and crepes being served at the front of the school the morning it was administered may have artificially improved spirits. Some even charge that the surprise extra week off of school that was announced on the P.A. system two minutes before the survey opened may have distracted the student body, preventing them from accurately reporting their own moods. 

The administration refutes these claims. “Any disruption in the schoolwork schedule, snacks offered, or suprise breaks announced around the time of the survey are purely coincidental. We have the same numbers that everyone else does, and while there may be slightly different interpretations person-to-person, to us everything looks just peachy.”