Harry Potter and the Deathly Lemmings


From the beginning of time, the attack of the lemmings has been inevitable. There is no greater certainty in all of humanity than the lemming apocalypse. Luckily, we have had a long time to prepare, so you just might survive. To decrease your chances of dying in eternal agony, you must know every detail of your enemy. Lemmings are very irritable rodents; they generally release their anger by fighting their lemming friends, but when they’re extremely angry, they can explode. The early warning signs of combustion include trembling tail, shaking ears, intense squeaking, standing on their back legs and doing a slow motion version of the Macarena, and sparks flying out of their butt. Unfortunately, it’s often difficult to recognize these signs, so it is of paramount importance that you be extremely familiar with all of them. 

As I’m sure you know from your 2nd grade arctic animal research project, lemmings like to run off tall cliffs and fall to their bloody deaths. But evolution says it’s only a matter of time until they figure out there’s a not-running-off-a-cliff option in life. What do you think will happen then? Lemming populations will surge: lemmings produce a litter of 4-5 babies every 3-4 weeks! They’ll take over the world in a matter of months. 

And don’t think you’ll be safe on your private family island. Lemmings can swim. Imagine this: you’re sitting on your new yacht your parents got for your 16th birthday, and you spot a growing mass on the horizon. The turquoise waters of your Caribbean paradise darken as the mysterious cloud approaches. You pull out your phone to call Horatio, the family helicopter pilot, but he doesn’t pick up. The lemmings got him already. Before you can even ask Alexa if lemmings are carnivorous, the swarm is upon you. The metallic scratch of their claws against the yacht is the last thing you hear before their tiny rodent teeth tear your skin off your bones (I guess they are carnivorous).

So yeah, don’t be that person who gets eaten by lemmings. You might think survival is hopeless and you should simply surrender to the horde, but there is one secret ingredient that just might spare your life: ginger root.

Ginger root possesses the most magical properties: it cures sore throats, colds, headaches, arthritis, scurvy, syphilis, arrhythmias, cholera, cancer and blindness. It also prevents heart attacks, heals broken bones, and makes you fluent in your choice of Yiddish or Portugese. With all these incredible medicinal attributes, its lemming-repelling nature comes as no surprise. Make sure you have a well-stocked supply of ginger and wear a fresh root around your neck at all times. Eating ginger products will also increase your lemming-repelling aura. Ginger tea, ginger candies, pickled ginger, ginger pie, ginger cupcakes, ginger fillet mignon and ginger scented shampoo will all do the trick (if you chose the shampoo, drink it, don’t waste it on washing your hair).

Congratulations! You’re completely prepared to weather anything the lemming apocalypse might throw at you. In the meantime, stay away from Norway and consider buying a greenhouse to grow your own ginger. You also might want to get rid of your pet gerbils. Who knows where their loyalties lie?