Ask a Cleaning Person


This pandemic has made people realize that they are living in their own filth and then smearing it all over their face. Our team of experts is ready to answer all of your questions about how to dissolve any traces of your disgusting human body!


“I’ve been buying as many barrels of bleach I can get my hands on because my neighbors told me to, but I’m not really sure what to do with it. Could you help figure out how to use all 500 gallons of my bleach?”

Of course, it’s important to properly dilute your bleach before you drink it, or use it for cleaning things like your car. My favorite bleach mixture is 9 parts bleach and 13 parts of your favorite pesticide. If I’m running low, I’ll often substitute the pesticide for straight up rat poison- just don’t quote me on that! I find that this blend is perfect for any deep cleansing you start but then give up on because it’s too much work. The flavors also compliment each other beautifully – they pop on the tongue and burn down the throat!


“I read some weird fall decoration tips in this sketchy newspaper and it said I should throw dirt on my walls, but now I can’t get it off. I need some guidance on how to remove the mud.”

Ah yes, the classic “help me I smeared mud all over my walls and now it’s caked there forever” request. Well I have dealt with this sticky dilemma many times. It’s actually a super easy fix, all you need is to grab your barbecue grill cleaning brush and run the metal bristles all over your walls. Don’t forget to layer old ransom notes on the floor to catch all of the paint flakes. 


“Lately I’ve been trying to clean my fabric masks by boiling them in hand sanitizer, but this is tedious work and hand sanitizer is surprisingly hard to boil. Do you have any alternatives?”

Well that does sound quite laborious and there is a shortage of hand sanitizer in the United States right now. But you know what there’s never a shortage of? Beer and assault rifles. While a lot of cleaning supplies are reserved for schools and hospitals, anyone has access to a nice Magnum .357. The alcohol in the beer will give the virus a nice buzz and the bullets from your gun will ensure maximum scrubbing. Happy cleaning!


“My boyfriend failed his math test so he asked me to murder the teacher. What should I do?”

Sounds like you have the old Romeo and Juliet, Bonnie and Clyde, OJ and Nicole Simpson relationship. I’m pretty sure you have a few options but whatever you do, someone’s going to die. 1. Kill the teacher

  1. Kill your boyfriend
  2. Hire your boyfriend a math tutor
  3. Kill you boyfriend’s math tutor
  4. Dump your boyfriend and set the tutor up with the teacher
  5. Tax fraud 

Personally, I’d always choose tax fraud, but you might be uncomfortable lying to faceless bureaucrats at the IRS. If this is the case, I would recommend one (or both) of the murders. In the event you do commit murder, there are a few tried-and-true ways to cover it up. Don’t trouble yourself with the tedious process of scrubbing blood stains off your throw pillow covers; the best way to hide a body comes, as these things often do, from a Disney movie. Try the Up method. Tie the body to helium balloons until it floats up, up, and your jail time goes awayyy. Eventually it will crash down on some innocent bystander, but the chance of the person being a Cook County prosecutor is less than one in 573,208, about the chance of you dying by being ripped apart mid-helium balloon skydiving flight. Will the person be forever traumatized? Sure, but you have to think of your own mental health. You can’t take that jail time, think of all the buffets. The buffets!!


“My girlfriend is eating all my goldfish, even the plastic wrapping! How can I confront her about this annoying and rather concerning behavior?”

Many people consider vacuuming to be the most important aspect of household cleaning. I completely agree, although it is perhaps even more important to mop your floors afterwards. Almost everyone I know is alarmingly uneducated about the different varieties of mops and their functions (the US education system is truly upsetting). You have string mops, flat mops, sponge mops, dust mops, steam mops, spin mops, microfiber mops, floor mops, static mops, and if you’re really in a tight spot, you can dip a dustpan broom in your fish tank and that will be good enough. I recommend the string mop for its versatility and for the oddly satisfying sound it makes when you whack someone’s head with it. I hope I’ve answered your question.


“My girlfriend received third degree chemical burns from ripping the cleaning wipes during hybrid learning. Should I sue the school on her behalf?”

Of course you should sue, filing lawsuits was an old hobby of mine. I used to fill my car with hundreds of Jesus Christ Superstar playbills, drive to all the nearby courthouses, and throw the playbills at random people while shouting “You’ve been served.” Most people were very polite about it and just told me to go home and put on some pants. Now I’m banned from every Nebraska courthouse for life (which I sued them for). Ah yes, those were fierce and formidable days… Anyways, you should definitely sue.