Ask a Self-Certified “Nice Guy”

Advice, Uncensored & Unsolicited

Ask a Self-Certified “Nice Guy”

A Nice Guy, For Real

Q: How do I ask out a guy?

A: Get him a classic Naruto VHS tape and bacon roses, that’s what all gentlemen like.

Q: I wanna ask out my crush but I’m so nervous!

A: Ask if she’d wanna go to your parents house for a nice evening of Netflix and wiping sweat off of each other’s foreheads. If she says no, call her stupid and ugly and that you never wanted to date her anyway.

Q: I want to defend myself, but I don’t know how. What do I do?

A: If someone threatens you, respond by saying that they don’t want to mess with you and that they should be ready to “catch these hands”. If they actually try to fight you, put up your fists like you’re about to fight back, then take every punch they give you like a total wimp and act like a victim.

Q: How do I lose weight?

A: don’t lose weight! Ladies love meaty, fellow gentleman, and even Chad envies your voluptuous body. Chug that Dew!

Q: What should I give my boyfriend for his birthday?

A: The best gift for any man is fedora paired with an anime body pillow. Even better, if you compensated him with money or affection for every time he did his duties as a boyfriend, he would be the happiest man alive.

Q: How do I shave my beard?

A: Shaving is for Chads. Let your neck loose, and pair it with not showering for months on end and you will look like a true gentleman.

Q: A girl won’t DM me back. How will I win her affections?

A: make sure to let her know how nice you are, always emphasize that Chad always one ups you because of how nice you are. Don’t stop there if you really want to catch her make sure to let her know you’ll doxx her if she doesn’t respond.

Q: No matter how much I help this random girl carry her backpack even though she doesn’t ask for it, she still won’t go out with me. What should I do?

A: As we all know, nice guys finish last. She probably won’t go out with you. even though she really should since you helped her with a task that clearly requires romantic reciprocation. I would angrily play on your Playstation or XBOX until you feel a little better.

Q: Would you say that nice guys are the first citizens of the friend zone?

A: Most definitely. I’ve lived in the friend zone so long that I have a mailing address for taxes.

Q: Why do good girls like “bad” guys instead of good guys like me?

A: Well it’s pretty obvious that girls haven’t gotten around to appreciating all the nice things we do for them: DMing them a little too much, telling them to lose a few pounds, and staring at them a little too much during American Studies. Someday, we will reign supreme!