Rejected College Essays

Another investigation from the intrepid reporters of the Near True News!


At significant risk to their lives and reputations, our stalwart reporters here at the NTN have pieced together shredded documents recovered from the Post-High School Counseling department wastebaskets. In these papers, we found the following rejected essay topics, which you can use for your own college essays (but probably shouldn’t).

  1. How I Found Peace With Premeditated Murder
  2. My Clothes Are Not Your Bonfire Starter
  3. No Arson, No Glory, No Lollipops (soon to be a Pixar short)
  4. When My IRS Ransom Letters Went Unanswered
  5. Carrot Cake: True Love in the Age of Pistachio Ice Cream 
  6. What Happened When I Accidentally Drank a Gallon of Balsamic Vinaigrette  
  7. How Garbanzo Bean, My 3 Legged Dog, Became an Unexpected Snack
  8. Eat, Pray, Fall Asleep in the Synagogue
  9. When Your Uber Driver is Your Analytic Geometry Teacher 
  10. Waffle House Stole My Identity: A Tale of Triumph, Perseverance, and the Birth of Socialism.