HOROSCOPES 

ARIES (March 21-April 19): If you want to make friends, don’t be yourself.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): You will investigate a math crime; things won’t add up. 

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): You may have a birthday up. Because of the stars.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Don’t watch your back. Enemies already know you’re looking there.

LEO (July 23-August 22): A chess piece will take you.

VIRGO (August 23-September 22): Like Mercury, your grades will be in retro.

LIBRA (September 23-October 22): You will scream but, alas, no ice cream awaits.

SCORPIO (October 23-November 21): You will achieve high Marx in your economics class.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22-December 21): Knock knock. Who’s there? Not your fashion sense, that’s for sure. You are banned from campus effective Monday. 

CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19): You will win Paranoia. The prize money will almost be enough to pay off your pending lawsuits/outstanding medical bills. 

AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18): You will be voted “most likely to be in yearbook”

PISCES (February 19-March 20): Your teacher will lick the entire page instead of licking just one finger to turn it.