It is a well known fact that each time New Trier builds a new part of the building, a time capsule is installed to commemorate the moment. Now, after some time with the new West side of the building complete, students are beginning to wonder what is actually in the time capsule.
After some interrogation-style interviewing of school officials, the Near True News brings you the long-awaited answer.
Inside the capsule lies a symbol of one of the most important parts of the New Trier culture: the cafeteria. The cafeteria, a gathering place for Trevians of all ages, and of course, the home of the famous pasta bar, is a cornerstone of the New Trier experience. The New Trier administration decided to fill the capsule with the fantastically soft and mild mozzarella cheese used to make pizza and top pasta in the cafeteria. Being widely adored by the general student body, this cheese was an obvious choice.
However, due to natural cheese aging, the capsule now radiates a repugnant stench that fills the main entrance on Trevian Way. Bake sales have been relocated to the Winnetka Avenue rotunda to avoid the putrid waves of scent.
Senior Joe Daily reminisces about a simpler time when the smell of long spoiled cheese did not fill his nostrils day in and day out. “Man, those were the good ol’ days,” said Daily. “I used to sit on the couches with my friends after eating lunch. Now, I have to wear a WWI style gas mask just to buy my food.”
“I used to sit on the couches with my friends after eating lunch. Now, I have to wear a WWI style gas mask just to buy my food.”
Joe Daily isn’t the only one resorting to extreme measures. Across the school, students and teachers alike have donned hazmat suits and gas masks to avoid the stench. These precautions are beginning to interfere with the educational environment. Students and teachers are unable to communicate with each other because the complex protective gear makes it difficult to hear others. To solve this problem, the New Trier Administration suggested the temporary solution of communicating through Morse Code, though each person can only convert a few sentences every forty minutes using this letter-by-letter method.
In light of the problems presented by rancid cheese, the administration remains confident that filling the time capsule with mozzarella cheese was the right decision. Principal Dawn McMuffen explains, “We realize that the smell of cheese has caused some unintended consequences, interrupting the education process. We believe that the legacy this cheese will leave for future generations is more important than those consequences.”
McMuffen adds, “In the coming weeks, we will work to provide state of the art gas masks and protective equipment to allow students to continue learning. We will not, however, remove the cheese. It is simply too central to New Trier’s core values as an institution.”
With little hope, many students are beginning to accept their new stinky lives, reminiscing on a time when they still wondered what was inside that dreadful time capsule
