Reports tell us that a mysterious man showed up to New Trier on Tuesday morning, April 15th. He was wearing gold plated sunglasses and a large fur cloak. A student described him: “He was very scary, but had money falling out of all of his pockets. He also had a big piece of turf in his hand for some reason.” He walked into the rotunda with large black briefcases and proudly declared that his name was Anon Y. Mous.

Investigators used security cameras to hear what he muttered under his breath as he walked in: “I have so much money but nothing to spend it on.” Anon Y. Mous entered during a passing period, and all the students stopped. There was confusion in the air and teachers were unsure of his business at the school. They called in school security officers to make sure he really had arrived for an official purpose. When even the security officers were confused by his proclamations, they called the principal of New Trier, Mrs. Prin Cipal to question him. Mr. Mous reportedly said, “Mrs. Cipal, I am Anon Y. Mous, and I am here to improve your wimpish turf. To accomplish this, I would like to donate 10 million dollars.” Mrs. Cipal, in shock, accepted his donation on the spot, and thanked him approximately, give or take, ten million times before walking him out to his matte black motorcycle. She later explained that Mr. Mous’ gracious donation dug the school out of a sort of “financial hole” caused by payments for the new gym. Instead of using this money to pay for remaining expenses related to the gym, Mrs. Cipal agrees with Mr. Mous that the “wimpish turf” could use a fix-up.

Students were bamboozled by this man’s mysterious aura, and they began to wonder why his name was kept secret. They reportedly decided to take their questions to Mrs. Cipal. We went to an assembly held by Mrs. Cipal, where she stated: “This donor, whose name must be kept anonymous, is a new part in New Trier athletics and school history. I was simply dumbfounded after he offered this stupefying amount of money, however his donation is greatly appreciated, as I believe that our athletic facilities are simply not up to par.”

Faculty have reported recent student outrage because students wish some of the money would support the baking of more cafeteria cookies. In accordance with the student criticisms, Mrs. Cipal took the issue up with Mr. Mous, asking him to consider directing a portion of the money towards funding new ovens to bake more cafeteria cookies. Mr. Mous firmly replied with, “No, I don’t like cookies. I prefer state-of-the-art turf.”