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  • New Trier will rebrand to Ewnay Riertay in remembrance of those lost to the Swine Flu
  • As part of a massive marketing deal with Smuckers, teachers will have to advertise jelly in between passing periods
  • Scientists determine that infinite monkeys with typewriters could not write New Trier’s course catalog if given eternity
  • New Trier reveals 2028 plans to begin construction of a Seville campus to combat falling AP Spanish grades
  • New Trier makes revolutionary move cracking down on student vaping, adds cameras to every bathroom stall
  • New Trier announces “Zero Senioritis Policy”; implements mandatory testing, lockdowns, and quarantining for afflicted E-Building classrooms.
  • New Trier sees quarter zips decline as wearing a top hat and tux is the new craze

The Near True News

The Satirical Student Newspaper of New Trier

The Satirical Student Newspaper of New Trier

The Near True News

The Satirical Student Newspaper of New Trier

The Near True News

2025-2026 Staff

Mandy B.

Mandy B.

A royal princess and supernatural huntress, Mandy can be found teleporting to different realms searching for unknown characters for her writing pleasures. When she is not out hunting, she is living comfortably in her gothic castl...

Hayden

Hayden

Hayden is a secret spy from the planet of Jupiter set here to stop aliens from taking the world's peanut butter supply. When he’s not busy saving the world, Hayden likes to ride his horse, Friday, and eat Frosted Flakes. He has ...

Benny P.

Benny P.

Benny is a 6 foot 12 inches tall human. He loves charades, penny stocks, and carrots. Sometimes he likes bunnies. When Benny isn't writing, he is usually sleeping. He has a very long bed and doesn’t get out of it unless he sees a ...

Brooks N.

Brooks N.

Brooks hails from a world beyond the realm of human consciousness, in an interdimensional pocket between space and time, at the crossroads of light and darkness. Since his birth alongside the creation of the universe, many, human an...

Will P.

Will P.

Will’s work has never been praised by any figure of authority, but that doesn’t stop him from writing “decorated satirist” on his resume. Will maintains that accolades are mostly a state of mind, a philosophy he invent...