New Trier has decided on a brand new schedule for the first three weeks of the 2nd semester. This new schedule will be determined by the rolling of a 60-sided die, thoughtfully donated by the Dungeons & Dragons Club, with each side representing an entirely different schedule. This die will be rolled by the principal every morning during advisory and the student body will quickly be sent a fax message explaining what the schedule for the rest of the day will be. These schedules range from having one period take up the entire day to having period changes be determined by the length of a random Spotify playlist played over the PA. New Trier refutes those who say this new schedule helps no one by pointing out that the seventh survey they sent out to the student body stated this was an extremely popular proposal among every band kid who attends biology early bird and has a small cut above their left eye

Every schedule is entirely different which the administration notes will “bring a new sense of excitement to the student body’s day.” However, the school has received small pockets of criticism about the new schedule being “too confusing” from those too inept to understand the genius that is this new schedule. In response, the administration is now considering a schedule that will be determined by the live Instagram voting of every student in school. This direct democracy will ensure that every student’s needs are accounted for while also embodying the American spirit.

Finally, the administration is considering altering both the start and end times for any given day. This change will mean that on top of an ever-changing dice-based period schedule, the school days themselves will also vary in start time from the usual 8:20am to 11:18pm. Start and end times for the school day will be determined by asking Google for a random time to both start and end the school day. Under this new system, certain days of school will take place entirely at night, while others will only be 12 minutes long. Every student will be sent a messenger pigeon 20 minutes prior to the school start time once it has been determined. The administration is issuing a reminder that it will be your responsibility to get to school on time, and that two tardies will get you a detention. Truly, New Trier and its administration never ceases to impress and I for one look forward to seeing everyone in school for this new schedule (whenever it starts).