New Drop Off Procedures At The Northfield Campus

In order to alleviate traffic backups during construction, students may soon be expected to roll out of their moving cars when being dropped off. Crossing guards will offer training sessions on the new “Don’t Stop, Just Drop and Roll” system. An additional class will be offered for students who carry two backpacks into school, because, well, that is a whole different ball game. Level 4 physics students will study this new procedure during their momentum labs, as bodies in motion tend to stay in motion, and so do cars, so watch out.

Students Don’t Appreciate Diagnostic Test of a Lifetime

MCL teachers have been raving about the new OORNGE diagnostic testing; “Traditionally, MCL classes never give tests, so this is a brand new opportunity for ust!” said one ecstatic teacher. The new test contains 23 essays, 310 minutes of listening, and a section in a yet-to-be-invented language. Teachers proclaim, “Never before have we been so accurately able to measure the extent to which you won’t use this language in the future.” The general consensus among students seems to be that this so-called “test of a lifetime” will in fact be the test of their lifetime, until they take the second series in April to measure their progress. 

New Level 5 Option Offers On-Site Room & Board and Constant Tutoring

Maybe you’ve heard the buzz around school recently, but the announcement is here! New Trier is now offering a Level 5 option for those who understand that all level 4’s won’t impress anybody anymore.  Food, housing, 24/7 tutoring, and even backpack caddies will be included in this ultra-advanced level for truly exceptional students.  A new building on the Northfield campus will feature high-security private entrances with door attendants, private sleeping quarters, and comfort animals for anxious moments. In addition, gourmet meals, personal tailors, and thrones will be provided for each and every student. Finally, Hydroflasks will be provided to all students in order to prevent them from blacking out due to exhaustion. The rigorous application process requires a nonrefundable $300 deposit, an extensive financial audit, and ownership of at least one Tesla.

Northfield Pool Complex to Receive New Lazy River

The KW teaching team has been pressing the school board for funding to construct a resort-quality lazy river. A popular gym teacher says, “We must compete with Starwood Resorts and their fancy pool complexes. Our students have gotten used to a certain level of luxury.  After all, this is Kinetic Wellness, not some pedestrian gym class.” KW teachers are committed to creating a realistic resort atmosphere, allowing students to practice mindfulness skills while floating gently down a languid river. Some say there might even be a juice bar and a steel drum band! Freshman Zayne Smith expresses his enthusiasm for this project: “I’m sure life-saving skills like water polo have a few life applications, but this feels more important.”