In the wake of not one but two op-eds in our sister paper, The New Trier News, lambasting Valentine’s Day, New Trier has announced new rules that seek to make even the most lonely students feel comfortable in school. These new rules come as a response to parent fears over student safety due to a disturbing increase in Public Displays of Affection (PDA) and a correlating spike in student vomiting. 

In an effort to destroy all teen relationships before they have the chance to fester, several new measures will be instituted to curb student affection. These measures include a ban on being within six inches of any other student, since prolonged closeness could potentially encourage compassion, or even worse, passion.  Additionally, restrictions have been placed on the general usage of the word “love,” which shall be reserved exclusively for talking about pets, Taylor Swift’s latest single, and taco day in the cafeteria. 

In addition to eliminating PDA, some of these new rules seek to rid the school of dangerous Valentine’s Day imagery, which has been known to inflame the loins of many an amorous teen.. For instance, all heart images will be removed from the school, including those in the biology classrooms, which has caused some concern among AP Anatomy teachers. 

A small pocket of critics have risen up against these measures, claiming everything from “free speech” to “school oppression.”  The banning of the colors red and pink has resulted in a petition signed by numerous teary-eyed juniors insisting that they must wear their Harvard Crimson sweatshirts daily, so other students are aware of where they absolutely, positively have to go to college.

Despite this pushback, the New Trier administration is already claiming several victories in its battle against PDA, including improved attendance for dozens of students previously incapacitated by PDA-induced bouts of illness.