ARIES (March 21-April 19)

Your guidance counselor will suggest to follow the path of taking high school again.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20)

You will survive the zombie apocalypse! Unfortunately New Trier administrators will still insist Green Bay road is clear enough of rotting corpses for you to attend school.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20)

Your quirkiness won’t spare you the substitute’s wrath.

CANCER (June 21-July 22)

You’ll fall off a school balcony but stick the landing.

LEO (July 23-August 22)

No one cares about you enough to give you a horoscope. Rawr.

VIRGO (August 23-September 22)

You will get hit by the PACE bus, winning the insurance lottery.

LIBRA (September 23-October 22)

Gas stations will double their prices when they see you coming.

SCORPIO (October 23-November 21)

Trevius Maximus will visit your dreams tonight.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22-December 21)

You will run out of people to ask to Prom.

CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19)

A video of you crying will be the next movie shown in the Scrounge.

AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18)

The Canvas panda will visit you soon.

PISCES (February 19-March 20)

You will learn too late that GPAs aren’t like golf, and your 1.3 is not a winner.