Over the summer of 2021, the New Trier Warehouse District quietly arose in the fields surrounding the Northfield Campus.  Despite numerous concerns about the surreptitious construction of a logistics facility on public school property, administrators remained tight-lipped about what, exactly, the 1.2 million square foot facility was needed for.  After much research (spying), the Near True News has discovered its highly-classified contents: approximately 6,743,085.5 AirPods. 

Lost and abandoned by the Spotify-addicted teens of New Trier, these AirPods have been collected by teachers, cafeteria workers, and custodians on a daily basis, thrown into crates, and carted off to their new home. The school had no choice but to build a warehouse specifically for the AirPods after a sophomore opened a closet looking for a vape fix, and was swallowed up by the ensuing tidal wave of sonic detritus.  

Even with the new warehouse, the collection keeps growing, as students buy new AirPods without even looking for the ones they lost. In order to combat this issue on multiple fronts, forensics students are learning to use advanced DNA testing to identify the earbuds’ rightful owners. Principal Mucmuffin has proclaimed this new forensics program a “last ditch effort to engage the students who thought forensics would be fun, but soon realized that it’s actually science.”

Coincidentally, after completion of the warehouse, Apple announced an official partnership with New Trier. This deal will allow students to purchase Apple products for 13% off as long as the product’s value is under $17. The company’s CEO, Mac Orangebottom, has proclaimed this brand deal a “generous offer considering the fact that Apple will not make as much money on sales now,” as NT students are 80% of Apple’s consumer market. Students were given the promo code MAYBEAPOPSOCKET13 to access their discount. In exchange, New Trier administration has agreed to make all future pep rallies Apple-themed, to require new student uniforms of Apple-branded tracksuits, and to provide four years of indentured servitude in Apple’s many factories.  

Some student organizations have begun boycotting the company, and have organized several outdoor marches and speeches by activists.  However, most students in attendance were unable to hear speakers’ remarks, as almost all of the students in the crowd had their AirPods in, or were busy looking for them on the ground.