Under the widespread chaos of abortion-rights debates, war in Ukraine, and the labyrinth of spatially disorienting KW basement pathways, there is a lesser-known, but no less influential, part of the madness in the lives of New Trier staff and students: office supplies. 

Staples, in particular, have been a covert source of tension within the New Trier community, often dividing the school into two camps: those who embrace tradition ⁠by continuing to use metal staples, and those who now instruct their printers to press sheets of paper together tightly to form a connection point without a staple.

Several compelling reasons have been cited for the increasing use of stapleless staples. For one, New Trier administrators recently conducted surveys on the potentially deadly effects of going to school. The survey found that the average New Trier student has made an average of 17 stupid decisions over the course of their lives. In effect, this groundbreaking finding has raised the risk of a New Trier student stapling themselves whilst operating a handheld metal staple-filled stapler from zero to “that happened to me last week.” Stapleless staples, some administrators hope, have the potential to protect students from this danger.

More progressive instructors, keeping in mind the detrimental effects of climate change, see the uptake of stapleless staples as a form of environmental activism. Throwing metal staples away in the trash can tear garbage bags, which furthers littering, and increases chances of injury to animals in the wild, which causes rising sea levels because of the increased pressure from sinking dead animals acting on volcanic hot spots. Stapleless staples can combat the glaring humanitarian suffering incurred by using conventional staple, they say: Only pressure is needed; no jellyfish-murdering material punctures the sheets. 

Some students support the transition. “Despite what the entire rest of the class thinks, I actually like the new paperless staples!” one sophomore said. “It’s one of the few interesting things Mr. Ling showed us in our outdoor education class — not only does it look cool, but we’re also helping the environment! I mean, who doesn’t like stopping hurricanes?” This student has been notified that rising sea levels does not increase the frequency or power of hurricanes, which he responded was contrary to Mr. Ling’s KW teachings.

However, not everyone is thrilled with the movement of anti-staple staples. Conservative factions of the school are hesitant to try the paperless staples because of their lack of reliability and their potential to devolve into conversations about individual roles in fighting climate change.

“Paperless staples feel more like an excuse for my classmates to segue into roiling debates about preserving species diversity,” said one student. “Like, we’re taking automotives! Maybe stop exhorting the importance of preventing ocean acidification while you pump fossil fuels into your cars in my class — you obviously don’t mean what you say! Why do paperless staples prevent climate change? Check the physics of rising sea levels due to dead animals sinking to the ocean floor. It’s ridiculous.” 

Despite the clear differences between the pro- and anti-staple crowds, attempts to organize the two sides into cohesive groups have been stymied. The pro-staple organizers have faced a spate of finger wounds, which some have speculated were caused by failed stapling attempts. The injured students have refused to confirm that staplers are to blame.

Meanwhile, anti-staple students have produced booklets of materials meticulously documenting the evils of staples. However, those packets have fallen apart every time the organizers attempted to pass them out.