The groans of New Trier students rang far and wide through the halls as Jeremy Jugburger entered, eager to share whatever thought was on his mind. Students familiar with Jeremy (none of them were willing to be identified as friends with him) have begun complaining that something needs to be done to restrict his constant spew of hot takes. Students report that Jeremy Jugburger often appears out of nowhere and quickly turns innocent conversations into intense political discussions. 

Since his freshman year, Jeremy has provided views on everything from the death penalty to the lack of pencil sharpeners in school. When asked to elaborate on what his beliefs were on these matters Jeremy said, “The death penalty should only apply to infants and students should be supplied with army knives so they can whittle pencils instead of being dependent on pencil sharpeners.”

Students complain that Jeremy’s toxic views have invaded their conversations and are asking the school to do something about it. ”I’m usually a strong advocate for freedom of speech, but I’m willing to make an exception for Jeremy,” says one female student whom Jeremy forcefully classified as one of his friends. 

Several clubs at school have also complained of Jeremy’s surprisingly consistent attendance. “He attends biology club every week just to argue with us against the concept of living things. It makes me dislike bio club even more than I already do,” says Byler, the club’s president. Jeremy also attends several other clubs including bass fishing, investment, and debate. When asked for the source of his world opinions Jeremy cited many sources: “I frequently browse forums consisting solely of intellectuals: Reddit, 4chan, and 5chin (a political forum that can only be accessed through Tor)”. 

A few students and psychological scholars have argued in favor of Jeremy Jugburger’s right to free speech, noting that he has great potential for academic research. Dr. Randal-Monroe, a psychological researcher with 4 degrees from a university so pretentious it doesn’t even have a written name, has become particularly invested in Jeremy.  Regarding whether Jeremy Jugburger should be explicitly forbidden from speaking, Dr. Randal-Monroe stated,“Statistically you would think he would eventually stumble on a reasonable  position, but I haven’t heard one in the three years I’ve been loosely associated with him. That kind of anomaly is worth writing a junior theme on.”

The Near True News tried to interview Jeremy Jugburger, but transcription of the audio recorded interview only revealed several out of context hot takes, such as, “New Trier levels should be determined by the amount of taxes paid, not test scores. Shouldn’t those who pay more get a better education?”  As of press time, Jeremy had declined further requests for interviews, as he had a Reddit AMA