Letter to the Editor: The Joys of Dropping Out
The following letter has been sent to The Near True News by a fellow student with the purpose of inspiring other students to become conscientious objectors to schooling.
To the students of this fine institution called “New Trier,” I have decided that I shall not be returning. These educational endeavors do not bring me the joy that I am seeking in my daily life. For this reason, I shan’t waste my efforts on “work of the home.” Nor shall I obsess over these arbitrary letters and levels of four by which they brand me. In these dogged pursuits, my energy has been snuffed out like an electrical fire in the chemistry lab. It would be contrary to every survival impulse to waste the rest of my young life pondering assessments and vocabulary lists, rather than other, personal goals—world peace, for instance, or climate change.
By the end of every day, I yearn for my soft divan, where I shall sit and watch the Tik and the Tok until the moon shines bright each night. Without the hindrance of this so-called “education,” the remainder of my days will be spent working at the “Seven and Eleven” to afford sustenance. In fact, I have already made countless new friends who have dropped out of society to do the same. I have found that I have more in common with the old men who man the convenience store cash registers than with the students of New Trier. I was recently assigned to fix the hot dog rolling machine in the “Seven and Eleven” because the other employees were too old to see the gears inside the machine.
‘Twas while I was fixing that hot dog rolling machine that I felt an instant connection with my new job and my new life. Never before had I felt so at home than in the gears of an endlessly spinning hot dog roller. Never before had I been so happy with the trajectory of my life.
I am aware that this may come as a shock to the faculty of the institution because I tend to rest with my eyes closed for long periods of time during my classes. However, I believe it is in the best interest of overall health throughout the world. As I sit and write this letter from the luxury of my chaise longue, I can’t help but feel that I am making a wise decision, and I encourage you, my readers, to consider my actions and follow in my intrepid footsteps. I thank you kindly for your indulgence of my daring thoughts, and I wish you the best of luck in the future. Perhaps I’ll see you at the Seven and Eleven.
Sincerely yours,
Abby
Abby is a professional procrastinator who can dodge any assignment thrown at her. She has recently become the coach of an Olympic goldfish training team...
