How to Pass Valentine’s Day as a Heartbroken Hermit


Breakups hit everyone hard. But you can hit Valentine’s Day harder. Here’s our tried and true coping mechanisms to get through this year’s romantic season. 

  1. Pluck the thorns off of roses. Eat the petals. (Discard thorns.)
  2. Weep into the flower-bed. Let the salt kill the remaining roses.
  3. Flirt with the pizza man. He’s lonely too. 
  4. Stalk your ex’s facebook. Make a phylogenetic tree.
  5. Test waterproof mascaras. 
  6. Stuff your mouth with chocolate kisses to satisfy your oral fixation. 
  7. Put hand warmers in a body pillow ⁠— the closest you’ll come to the warmth of a human embrace.
  8. Seek refuge on the subreddit r/ForeverAlone.
  9. Eat the pizza you ordered.
  10. Dance in the dark. In the pale moonlight.