This past week, in an unprecedented move, Google Translate has launched a lawsuit against the Spanish teachers of New Trier and the competitor company Word Reference for reported defamation of their brand. 

Anyone who has taken a Spanish class at New Trier knows that Google Translate is strictly off limits. But why? For centuries, students have pondered this same question.

Spanish students have pointed out the efficiency and accessibility of Google Translate. While it occasionally provides incorrect translations, the overall accuracy is appropriate for the scope of high school classes

However, Spanish teachers are known school-wide for vilifying the platform, milking the “Google Translate is always wrong” excuse for all it’s worth. 

“When you think about it, I mean really dig deep, Google Translate es una problema because it provides faulty información. Eh, WordReference is eh, el mejor website, obviamente,” said Spanish teacher Laura Palantowitz.

Google Translate has recently become aware of such comments made by many New Trier Spanish teachers and has filed a lawsuit against the school’s Spanish department for defamation. The attacks of Spanish teachers, they allege, diminish the reputation of the site by discouraging  their main user base ⁠— mediocre Spanish students ⁠— from using it. 

After much deliberation, Spanish students came out in support of the lawsuit.

 “Does this mean no more LPA’s?” asked one student. Another added: “Yeah! Get ‘em!” 

Other students have voiced their disappointment. 

“Spanish is the only class where fly swatters can be useful in a learning environment. What will happen to this joy if my teachers lose this lawsuit?” 

The school appears split between the two sides, and the conflict has escalated. Students are beginning to tar and feather those who do not share their beliefs. Spanish Teachers can be spotted egging students’ iPads during class for fear that they will be used for evil (Google Translate). 

More recently, Google managed to secure a search warrant to investigate the Spanish Teachers’ vendetta. Upon examination of the MCL department budget, an illegal deal with WordReference was uncovered. According to reports,  the company had paid a total of $5,045,762 under-the-table over the course of 14 years in exchange for the incorporation of “Google slander” into the curriculum. By the terms of this agreement, Spanish teachers would forbid students from using their competitor, Google Translate. 

Spanish 4 student Jimmy Petunia was heard crying, “My whole life is a lie! This whole time I thought Google Translate was inaccurate! I’ve been robbed of my freedom to choose which translator I want to use to cheat on my homework.”  Many long-time Spanish students feel similar to Jimmy, claiming that they have lost precious years of their lives trying to translate entire sentences word by word using WordReference. The wake of emotional wreckage and financial burden left by this scandal has raised questions about the heretofore unquestioned integrity of the American education system. 

 “I expect to see a spike in demands for investigations into the other school departments,” said assistant legal counsel Don McMaffin, “though what these reports might reveal remains unclear.”