HOROSCOPES 

ARIES (March 21-April 19): You will fall in love with a IGSS alum who refuses to sign prenuptial documents due to their financial instability.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): You will be blessed with an abundantly greasy scalp and grow rich from the oil rig installed on your head.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): You’ll be blessed with extreme fertility and have 1,000 children within the span of a single fiscal year, but will receive zero tax credits from the IRS.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): You will be voted “Most Likely to Be Dumb Enough to Read a Horoscopes in a Satirical News Paper”.

LEO (July 23-August 22): You will find love waiting in line to scan your ID.

VIRGO (August 23-September 22): Your favorite teacher will determine your final grade with tea leaf readings.

LIBRA (September 23-October 22): You will be sent back in time to 1743 and kidnapped by an attractive Scot who you will marry and subsequently mourn after he dies a heroic death in the Battle of Culloden against the British.  

SCORPIO (October 23-November 21): You’ll wake up to find your hands have been replaced with castanets. You’ll eventually move to Argentina to pursue your career in professional 19th-century style tango accompaniment.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22-December 21): You will dare to purchase a shamrock shake and find that it makes you green with envy of everyone who had the common sense not to purchase one.

CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19): You will find a penny on the ground, but Abe Lincoln will jump out of the coin and throw you into his top hat, where you’ll become his new genie

AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18): You will be stalked by a skinny, brown-haired bookstore manager with a stark resemblance to Dan Humphrey. 

PISCES (February 19-March 20): You will find yourself madly in love with a snail but will begin to feel like the relationship is moving too slow for your taste.