With the last brick of the new gym placed, New Trier officials have finally released documents regarding the allocations of funding for the project. To the untrained eye, this budget may seem unremarkable, but a closer look proves otherwise. The primary expense is neither top-notch infrastructure nor state-of-the-art equipment, but rather walls filled with gold shavings and caviar.
New Trier has always taken a rather opulent approach to its ventures, but some are arguing that this expense may be unusually gratuitous. Many apprehensive town residents have even suggested the new gym should have prioritized essential amenities like safety equipment, bathrooms, and fire alarms. New Trier principal Don McMaffin has countered these claims with a broadcasted reading of the school’s famous slogan: To commit minds to prosperity, hearts to consumption, and lives to the service of getting the bag. McMaffin also went on record saying that “gold and caviar are the building blocks of excellence.”
Meanwhile, the students at New Trier High School are in for an experience unlike any other. Kinetic Wellness class will now involve learning how to hold a champagne flute properly and discuss dinner table etiquette while engaging in a spirited game of badminton. Trevius Maximus is also rumored to receive an extravagant makeover, possibly involving real, live peacocks.
Skeptical students have asserted that some of their classes within the new gym have begun to smell like dead fish. New Trier officials swiftly refuted these claims, assuring the students that it is due to the odorous soccer team.
Caviar-lined walls have benefited students in countless ways, from improved mental wellness to a food source for James, the boy who has been lost since the late 1940s. He was once a resident of Kenilworth who, as the story goes, took a wrong turn down a hallway and was never seen again. Eventually, he was presumed lost to the maze of halls at New Trier, where he has remained ever since. He is just one member of the community who, the Administration is confident, will benefit from the school’s bold but controversial updates.
