- George Washington and Aristotle. You heard that right, the dynamic duo is gone. They were both found dead together, swaddled in each other’s arms after a helicopter accident.
- Napoleon Bonaparte. Tragically passed from not being high enough off the ground to inhale the amount of needed oxygen for a human being.
- Ann Boleyn. Henry the Eighth’s second wife beheaded herself because, as she put it “she wanted to beat Henry VIII to it.”
- Alexander Hamilton. Scurvy.
- Abraham Lincoln. Killed in a car accident while going over the speed limit trying to get to his play, Our American Cousin, on time at Ford’s Theater.
- William Shakespeare. Fell ill after Rotten Tomatoes gave a scathing 20% review of Romeo and Juliet: “Too much crying, Claire!”
- Agatha Christie. The butler did it.
- Charles Darwin. Died from a vicious monkey attack after they found out he classified them as “lesser apes”.
- Eve. The first woman created took the phrase “an apple a day keeps the doctor away” into consideration. Unfortunately for her, this was a fatal mistake, as she had ulcerative colitis that really did need to be treated by a doctor.
- Isaac Newton . A comically large apple fell onto his head, managing to kill him after he created gravity.
