At approximately 10:21 on Wednesday, October 11, mass hysteria spread throughout the AP United States History classrooms of New Trier. In a shocking turn of events, the APUSH Long Essay Question asked students to evaluate a “fun” event they participated in over the long weekend.
The LEQ (known to the outside world as “just a really long handwritten essay”) was believed by the student body to be nothing more than an average examination of historical knowledge. However, the New Trier History Department regarded its original question as unsatisfactory. Inside sources report an argument breaking out between the AP teachers on the Monday before the test day.
The discourse started when the teachers began debating whether or not their students touch grass over the weekend. When the teachers were unable to come to a group consensus, they decided to scrap their original prompt (What came first, George Washington or the Cherry Tree? Back up your claim with historical evidence) and replace it with the controversial query about students’ “fun” weekend plans.
Members of the student body were quick to reach out with their opinions.
“I was bamboozled, befuddled, utterly blindsided by this alternative method of probing!” Wilhelm Shukespore exclaimed.
His friend, Gerard P. Andrews was able to elaborate. “By what means can I contextualize? To what purpose can I apply my thesis? This abominable interrogation supplies the scholars of this prideful institution with subzero counsel to feed to our cerebellums and frontal lobes. As a result of this intolerable turn of events, my parental figures have been contemplating a shift in educational funding to our neighboring establishment of North Shore Country Day.”
Gerard continued,“Given the atrocious situation presented to us a mere forty-eight hours ago, I cannot help but reminisce on my response with a sensation of modest pride. That Saturday and Sunday I passed the early hours of each day engaging, and eventually emerging victorious, in a concatenation of chess tournaments. From approximately 2:00 to 6:00 in the afternoon, I extended an invitation to select members of our hallowed institution to celebrate my accomplishment with various rounds of Kahoot encapsulating the War of 1812. We held a ‘rager’ to the lobby music.”
To end the interview, Near True News reporters extended wishes to the two students for good grades on the LEQ, but G.P. Andrews had some shocking news for us.
“Oh ho! Do not fret goodfellows we have already received numeral compensation,” he reassured. “I’ll have you know, I received a 6 on the AP scale and Wilhelm received a 5. That puts us both well within the boundaries of an A, a 103 and a 100% respectively, if your curiosity inquired.”
However, as G.P. Andrew’s claims were being verified, one more piece of valuable information was revealed.
“Oh. We had to curve that essay 60%. Believe us, it was necessary,” the anonymous source informed. While the words this staff member offered were limited, the dark bags under his eyes spoke volumes. Truly, it’s been an eventful week for the New Trier history teachers. This news publication can only hope they have “fun” plans over this upcoming weekend to help them recover.
