On Wednesday March 16th, students roamed the hallways of New Trier with a skip in their step as they awaited the weekly “Woman Wednesday” post from the school’s very own New Trier Chicks. However, instead of the expected photo of a junior in a hotdog onesie or three sophomores mid-fall down the main staircase, followers of the account were greeted with the grinning face of Trevius Maximus wielding a laptop and a countdown numbering seven days.

Panic immediately gripped the classrooms. Students were aghast at this development. Has the New Trier Chicks account been hacked? 

“I submitted the best picture of Olivia P. hanging from the main entrance flag pole by her backpack and this is the thanks I get?? Now I’m gonna have to actually get her down from there” Olivia R. ranted as she raced outside mid-passing period.

As Trevius’s timer continued to tick, students abandoned their classes to question one another in the hallways, but no one seemed to have an explanation. By the end of the day, the New Trier population was forced to retire to their homes, crossing their fingers that the Instagram account would return to its standard “Hot-Take Thursdays” the coming day. It was not to be.

Instead, the student body awoke to see a single post: An image depicting Donn Macmaffin doing the splits and holding a sign reading “Enthusiasm Thursday.” Notably, the post only had one comment.

Olivia K: What in the name of Trevius’s left Birkenstock is this???

The panic and paranoia from the previous day only increased as Trevius’s timer ticked on and more posts were added to “Enthusiasm Thursday,” beginning with a video of the entire Social Studies Department competing in a “riff off” modeled after the famous “riff off” scene in Pitch Perfect. Eventually a poll was posted for students and staff alike to vote on their favorite “Enthusiasm Thursday” post. In a sweeping landslide the Team Block instructors’ ASMR video won with 80% of the popular vote.

On Friday, students were met with something not nearly as exciting as gym teachers bouncing basketballs too close to a microphone or APUSH teachers creating a human pyramid in less than thirty seconds. Instead, they saw “Fedit Your Fessays Friday.” 

Rather than whimsical memes of Raquelle from the Barbie show, students who clicked on the post were instead trapped until they could find every single mistake in the posted example essay.

“Olivia L., I need help!” shouted Olivia H. as she raced down the hallway. “If the word is a verb, is it spelled affect or effect? I have a 567 snap-streak with Olivia G., so I need to get off Instagram ASAP.”

“How should I know?” replied Olivia L. “I got a 20 on my SAT and you get 240 points for spelling your name correctly.”

By Wednesday of the next week, students had resorted to a complete strike.

“No taxation without New Trier Chicks!” cried Olivia R., G., and C.

“I think they’re confused,” muttered Olivia B.

As the final minutes of Trevius’s timer ticked away, the entire school grew silent with anticipation. Talking stopped abruptly when there were five minutes left, whispering terminated with two minutes remaining, and Olivia J. had to go to the nurse’s office in the final thirty seconds because she forgot to breathe. Finally, there was a new update: 

Students! New Trier needs your feedback! 

Please fill out survey #546 of the year below