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  • New Trier will rebrand to Ewnay Riertay in remembrance of those lost to the Swine Flu
  • As part of a massive marketing deal with Smuckers, teachers will have to advertise jelly in between passing periods
  • Scientists determine that infinite monkeys with typewriters could not write New Trier’s course catalog if given eternity
  • New Trier reveals 2028 plans to begin construction of a Seville campus to combat falling AP Spanish grades
  • New Trier makes revolutionary move cracking down on student vaping, adds cameras to every bathroom stall
  • New Trier announces “Zero Senioritis Policy”; implements mandatory testing, lockdowns, and quarantining for afflicted E-Building classrooms.
  • New Trier sees quarter zips decline as wearing a top hat and tux is the new craze

The Near True News

The Satirical Student Newspaper of New Trier

The Satirical Student Newspaper of New Trier

The Near True News

The Satirical Student Newspaper of New Trier

The Near True News

All content by Emma S
New Trier’s Diplomacy Reinstates Beloved App

New Trier’s Diplomacy Reinstates Beloved App

Emma S March 5, 2025

On the frigid Tuesday morning of January 21st, 2025, junior McKaighleigh Smith swiped through her phone in a last desperate attempt to access her TikTok “for you” page. Shaking from withdrawal in her...

Top 8 Strangest Items Left in Phone Jails

Top 8 Strangest Items Left in Phone Jails

Emma S December 11, 2024

In response to the supposed overuse of cell phones in New Trier classrooms, the administration recently declared that every student must place their cellular device in the "phone jails." Incensed by these...

New Trier Chicks Hacked!

New Trier Chicks Hacked!

Emma S May 29, 2024

On Wednesday March 16th, students roamed the hallways of New Trier with a skip in their step as they awaited the weekly “Woman Wednesday” post from the school’s very own New Trier Chicks. However,...

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