ARIES (March 21-April 19): Your math class will take a more creative approach to end of semester experiences; an interpretive dance about the opposing forces of sin, cosine, and tangent

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Many will surrender upon sight of your mighty Junior Theme

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): The forbidden forest shall open up and welcome you into the abyss evermore

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Yahtzee! You will fail all 5 of your finals

LEO (July 23-August 22): You will scan in one hundredth of a millisecond after the bell and receive a detention slip after the detention has already happened

VIRGO (August 23-September 22): Your Spanish LPA will consist of you being shipped to Mexico and you will be graded on how quickly you can earn your first $1 million 

LIBRA (September 23-October 22):You will fall asleep studying for finals and wake up to a surprise; it’s the first day of school!

SCORPIO (October 23-November 21): You will bleed out after the nurse insists on giving you an ice pack for your severed leg

SAGITTARIUS (November 22-December 21): Your legal name will accidentally be changed to “Cheese Curd” and it will impact you dreadfully

CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19): You will sign out the wrong way and be sentenced to the guillotine

AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18): Your signed crayon drawing of your 2nd grade crush will somehow end up displayed in the art gallery

PISCES (February 19-March 20): Your graduation ceremony will be ruined by a popcorn machine once again.