HOROSCOPES 

ARIES (March 21-April 19): You will become a hero of the administration when the school bell breaks and somebody needs to alert gym class to start hustling.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): When people stare at you and your hot lunch, you just need to remember that dead squirrels need loving too.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Not liking people’s TikTok feeds is a perfectly good reason to skip that test

CANCER (June 21-July 22): The horoscope from a completely different star sign will correspond perfectly to you, leading you to question your identity.

LEO (July 23-August 22): If you really had to go to the bathroom during class, you wouldn’t be playing with your phone like it’s a pocket macarena.

VIRGO (August 23-September 22): You will take a shower and put on clean clothes and get into your bed with fresh bedsheets and pull the covers up to your head and giggle and kick your feet.

LIBRA (September 23-October 22):You will make a sound that sounds like a fart and keep doing that sound to prove you didn’t fart. Chaos ensues.

SCORPIO (October 23-November 21): A physics class will drop their insulated egg on your head during your lunch period, proving that gravity always finds the densest matter.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22-December 21):You will be horrified to find that your lunch has been replaced with a single moldy turnip. However, you quickly earn a small fortune paying people to rizz up that (tur)nip.

CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19): Your iPad will tell you your network is unstable and you will break down in tears when you realize you are too.

AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18): Grades should never be as high as your self esteem, so that 2.0 GPA is seriously reaching.

PISCES (February 19-March 20): You will find new success when your guidance counselor advises you to follow the path of taking high school again.