In response to the supposed overuse of cell phones in New Trier classrooms, the administration recently declared that every student must place their cellular device in the “phone jails.” Incensed by these unconstitutional detainments (students claim their phones must receive proper trial by jury), unidentified persons began leaving different objects behind in protest. New Trier News has compiled a list of the strangest items we have found in the pouches.

1. Fake I.D.: Bethany Markle’s false identification listed her as a sixty-seven year old male native to the USSR and currently living in Rhode Island  
2. IGGS experimental project: The vial contained a cryogenically frozen disease deemed 97% fatal by the CDC; New Trier paid an equivalent of the new gym budget to supply the administration team with hazmat suits to remove it 
3. SISO notification slip: This slip informed student Bradely O’Connor that he was required to sit for ninety-seven detentions, a curious number considering school has only been in session for three weeks 
4. An uncounted ballot: This singular vote for Trevius Maximus was left behind when NT was used as a polling site. It would have officially broken the three-way tie between Harris, Trump, and Trevius Maximus in the 2024 US presidential race, making Trevius Maximus the 47th President of the United States. 
5. 3,456 Summer Fridays Lip Balms: The assortment of Vanilla Beige, Pink Sugar, and Sweet Mint accounts for every butter balm left behind in the 2024/2025 school year so far, totalling $86,400  
6. A new superintendent: This person of interest is well known and respected by the student body, has laid out plans to improve the school atmosphere, and is two inches wide and eleven inches tall
7. An acceptance letter to the University of Michigan’s Ross Business School: Members of Trevinomics, DECA, and Women in Business held a brawl in the student lounge to see which lucky student would get to claim the prize
8. A landline phone: Student Archibald Jefferson claimed the landline as his primary source of communication when his teacher asked for his cellphone; no one knew how to stop the continual ringing throughout class.  At the end of the period, the forty-pound phone crashed through the jail onto the floor