Recently, New Trier Township High School was involved in a wrongful suspension controversy with the New Trier Sailing Team. The administration was taken aback by the apparent violence that the sailing team employed during their competitions, arguing that the sailing team was wrongfully bombing the opposing teams in a Pirates of the Caribbean-style showdown. The sailing team rebutted with a strong argument, claiming that their colonial-era pirateering practices, common during the 17th and 18th centuries, were actually standard regulation in their regatta rules. 

Naturally, this debacle has risen in notoriety, bringing attention to how shockingly little both the Trevians and the administration seem to know about the rules of sailing. As your local totally-not-fraudulent newspaper, we took the time to take a deep dive into the rules of sailing. We’ve listed the most controversial regulations below:

Article III, Section 42:

• • The use of cannons, muskets, blunderbusses, boarding hooks, and other historically accurate tools is permitted.
    • All weapons must be period-specific.
      • Modern weapons will not be permitted; if your team is seen with a weapon not manufactured during the 17th and 18th centuries or earlier, you will be disqualified.
    • Cannonballs must meet regulation standards.
      • Your team may bring their cannonballs to the cannonball evaluation tent, which is  marked by a large gold-plated cannon.
      • All other items may be brought to race officials located in an unmarked white tent at the end of the 5 mile course.

Article XIV, Section 333:

• • Any boat model that is historically accurate is permitted.
    • This includes any brigantine, sloop, schooner, or galleon.
      • Other models must be brought to the race officials located in an unmarked white tent at the end of the 5 mile course.

Article CLX, Section .001:

• • Teams must use period-appropriate language when racing.
    • Words that are determined to be too modern will cause a disqualification.
      • If your team is unsure if a word fits the period you may seek out the race officials located in an unmarked white tent at the end of the 5 mile course.

When the rules were brought up in New Trier’s very own maritime court, even the judge seemed to be speechless (though that may have been due to his short nap during the seven-hour reading of the regatta articles). One assistant principal was quoted saying, “I ain’t readin all that” in response to the sailors’ argument that they should have read the rules before suspending the sailing team. The judge seemed to react little to this unprofessional conduct despite the outrage of the sailing team, and the school board received no penalty for their actions. We suspect that the judge may have wanted to adjourn the case at this point, but that’s just speculation.

After a riveting court session, the administration finally conceded their mistake and lifted the suspension upon the sailing team, a decision which was met by jovial shouts and raucous applause from the pirates, nay, sailors. Needless to say, the future of sailing at New Trier looks bright, and the team is recruiting (though make sure you can sit through a reading of the rule book while treading water, as that is a basic requirement).