It’s a scene that New Trier students are all too familiar with: the solemn march of a confiscated iPhone to Phone Jail. There, it will collect dust until the end of the period, basking in the judgemental view of the teacher. I, for one, think the Phone Jail system is fair and balanced. In fact, it builds character amongst students. However, a new policy takes it much too far.
The New Trier administration is now subjecting those guilty of three or more convictions to the Phone Death Penalty, shredding their personal device right there on the spot. In a stunt at the latest school-wide assembly, principal Don McMaffin dramatically unveiled a 300-horsepower industrial shredder, lovingly dubbed “The Beast.” Its mechanism is simple: throw a device into the funnel on top, and out the bottom extrudes what can be described as a “paste,” littered with shards of broken glass and dreams.
“This is insane!” protests one mother. “Phones are people too!” rants another. One sophomore, Harry Fingerguns, has initiated a pact with fellow peers to protest the penalty after losing his phone to The Beast. “It’s ridiculous that such a penalty is enacted when I am simply facetiming my dog,” he claims. “Now all I have is a landline and a Duolingo streak of 0.”
Even in the wake of such pushback, administrators insist that this is an educational measure. “By permanently eradicating these devices, students will be encouraged to engage in healthier, non-digital habits,” said Vice Principal Michael Mixolydian. “Let this be a lesson in the importance of backup files.”
The death penalty measure has inspired some students to get crafty in circumventing the system. Disguised as calculators, books, or even iPads, phones are now being smuggled through what’s been nicknamed, “The Underground Cellroad.”
So yes, I’m all for discipline. Phone Jail, while not a perfect system, does its job in providing a fair punishment to deviant students. But a death penalty? That is simply barbaric. We must draw the line somewhere, and for now it will be drawn at death.
